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BANCROFT 
LIBRARY 

o 

THE LIBRARY 

OF 

THE UNIVERSITY 
OF CALIFORNIA 



THE BURGESS 




NONSENSE BOOK 



poofe* for Cfnlbren ftp (Selett 

ILLUSTRATED BY THE AUTHOR 
The "Big" Goop Books 

( Small ftos) 

GOOPS, AND How TO BE THEM; A Manual of 
Manners for Polite Infants. I3th Edition. 88 pp. 
$1.50. 

MORE GOOPS, AND How NOT TO BE THEM; A 
Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants. 7th 
Edition. 88 pp. $1.50. 

GOOP TALES, ALPHABETICALLY TOLD; The Biog- 
raphies of Fifty Celebrated Goops. 4th Edition. 
106 pp. $1.50. 

BLUE GOOPS AND RED; A Manual of Polite 
Deportment for Children. Illustrated in Colors, 
with Transformation Pages for each Goop, chang- 
ing him from Bad to Good. 82 pp. $1.35 net. 

The "Little" Goop Books 

THE GOOP DIRECTORY of Juvenile Offenders. 
i6mo. 76 pp. $.50 net. 

Modern Fairy Tales 

THE LIVELY CITY O' LIGG; A Cycle of Mod- 
ern Fairy Tales for City Children. Illustrated 
in Colors. 4th Edition. Small 4to. 210 pp. 
Cloth, $1.50. Boards, $1.25. 



;f rebericfe & &tofee* Company 

NEW YORK 




THE NONSENSE SCHOOL 



THE BURGESS 
NONSENSE BOOK 



Being a Complete Collection of the Humorous Masterpieces of 

GELETT BURGESS, ESQ., 

Sometime Editor of the " Lark" "Le Petit Journal des 
Refusees" &? "Enfant Terrible" 



Including the "PURPLE Cow" with Forty Odd Nonsense 
Quatrains, The " CHEWING GUM MAN " Epics y the 
" GERRISH " Ghost Stories, Poems of PATAGONIA, 
Curious Cartoons i Autobiographies of/ 
Famous GOOPS, 6? a Myriad Impos- 
sibilities, adorned with less than 



A Million Heart-Rending Illustrations by the Author 



^j The Whole forming a Book of Blissful Bosh for the Blase ; an 
Amusing Antidote to Modern "Neurasthenia ; a Stimulating Spur 
to Thoughtlessness y & a Restful Recreation for the Super- Civilized, 
the Over-Educated, 9* the Hyper- Refined. Carefully Expurgated 
of all Reason, Purpose, & Verisimilitude by a Corps of Irresponsi- 
ble Idiots. An Extrageneous Tome of Twaddle, an Infallible 



CYCLOPEDIA ^BALDERDASH 

Ferocious Fancies & Inconsequential Vagaries 
Than which, Nothing could be More So 



PUBLISHED BY 

FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY 

NEW YORK 




Copyright, 1901, 

by 
Gelett Burgess 



Published in October, 





ooH 9 

. ^L 



him who vainly conjures sleep 
In counting visionary sheep ; 
To her who, in the dentist* s power 
Would fain recall a gayer hour; 
To him who visits tiresome aunts, 
And comes upon this book by chance ; 
To her who in the hammock lies, 
And, bored with Ibsen, BURGESS tries; 
To those who cant remember dates 
While nonsense rhymes stick in their pates ; 
To those who buy, and do not borrow, 
Nor put it off until to-morrow ; 
To all who in these pages look, 
I dedicate this Nonsense Book! 




von 



;,! 






This is THE MUSE OF NONSENSE 

See/ 
Preposterously Strained is She; 




Her Figures have nor Rule nor Joint 
And so it 9 s Hard to See the Point! 



coo Q coo 



TABLE OF 




O 



N 



N 



Page 

FRONTISPIECE: The Nonsense School 4 

THE MUSE OF NONSENSE 9 

TABLE OF CONTENTS -.. . . . ....... u 

NONSENSE QUATRAINS & CARTOONS 

The Invisible Bridge . . . . ' '. 16 

My Feet ...... 18 

City Flora . . . . . . 20 

The Giant Horse 22 

The Purple Cow 24 

Digital Extremities 26 

The Lazy Roof 28 

Remarkable Art 30 

The Lecture 32 

The Window Pain 34 

Streets of Glue . . 36 

Glue Streets 38 

The Towel and the Door 40 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



NONSENSE QUATRAINS & CARTOONS Continued p age 

The Door and the Towel 42 

Insomnia 44 

The Bore . . 46 

Parisian Nectar 48 

The Floorless Room 50 

Astonishment 52 

A Radical Creed ....... 54 

Density ..... * . . . . . . . . . 56 

The Goop . . . , 58 

The Sunset ' .... 60 

Confessional 62 

My House 64 

My Fancies 66 

The Proper Exit 68 

The Jilted Funeral 70 

A Quadruped Unclassified . . / 72 

The British Guardsman 74 

Drawing Room Amenities 76 

The Staff of Life 78 

The Sense of Humour 80 

The Laundried Dog 82 

Imaginary Osculation 84 

Preferences 86 

A Woman's Reason 88 

The Call , 90 

The Poplars 92 

Elizabeth 94 

THE HULDY ANN EPICS: 

The Chewing Gum Man * . 97 

The Runaway Train 102 

The Hotel Caramel 107 

c-crc I 2 c-crc 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

THE GERRISH GHOST STORIES : p age 

The Levitant 113 

The Spectre House 125 

PROVERBS EXTRA-ILLUSTRATED: 

Proverbs Plain 132 

Proverbs Perverted 133 

ESSAYS IN BALDERDASH : 

The Oval Moon 134 

What Smith Tried to Believe . . . 136 

A Permutative System 138 

RARE SPORT & OTHER FANTASIES: 

Trapping Fairies 140 

Shooting Witches 142 

Fishing for Mermaids 144 

The Meeting of a Social Club 146 

The " Insect World " . * . . 147 

Seminary of Female Smoking 148 

Miss Gulliver in Lilliput 150 

BAD BALLADS: 

The Little Father 152 

McGurry and the Yellow Sunday Editor 157 

The Giant Baby 158 

The Bankrupt Babe 165 

The Bohemians of Boston 169 

FLIPPANT FAIRY TALES AND FABLES: 

Whang and Yak 173 

Little Totsy's Tragedy 182 

The Unit of Pleasure 188 

A Fable for Musicians 194 

C00 I G00 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

FLIPPANT FAIRY TALES AND FABLES Continued p age 

The Kisses of the Princess Pittipums ...... 200 

The Poet and the Princess . . . . 213 

POEMS OF PATAGONIA : 

Abstemia , 219 

The Museum of Kisses . * 220 

Abstrosophy . . . . . * 221 

Hope's Stultitude ............ 222 

Psycholophon 223 

The Knave of Hearts . . . . 224 

The Purpil Cowe 225 

ALPHABET OF FAMOUS GOOPS: 

Abednego , v . . . . 226 

Bohunkus, Cephas 227 

Daniel and Dago, Ezekiel 228 

Festus, Gamaliel .... 229 

Hazael, Isaac 230 

Jonah, Kadesh 231 

Laban, Micah 232 

Nicodemus, Obadiah 233 

Peleg, Quarto t .\ 2 34 

Reuben, Shadrach 235 

Timothy, Uriah 236 

Vivius, Waban 2 37 

Xenogor, Yero 23 8 

Zibeon . . 239 

NOTE. The Author desires to acknowledge the permission to 
reprint articles contained in this book, kindly offered by the editors 
of Life, Truth, St. Nicholas, the Puritanic Wave, the Sketch, Black 
and White, Madame, and the Century. 



have all of us a touch of that same 
You understand me a speck of the motley" 

CHARLES LAMB. 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE INVISIBLE BRIDGE: A Kind of 

Fable : 
Please Understand it, if You 're Able. 



l6 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



I 'd Never 
^ A Bridge 



Dare to Walk Across 
I Could Not See, 



a a D n 



u a o Q. D 

n 




For Quite Afraid of Falling off 
I Fear that I Should Be ! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 



MY FEET : A Memoir, with a Phase 
Resembling some Equestrian Ways. 



i8 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 



My Feet they haul me Round the House, 
They Hoist me up the Stairs; 




I only have to Steer them, and 
They Ride me Everywheres ! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



On CITY FLORA: Semi-Culled 

By One whose Fame is Somewhat Dulled, 



2O can 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



There is a Theory Some Deny 
That 

Posts once were 
Three Foot 
High; 




And a Little Boy 

was Terrible <SS53P Strong, 
And he Stretched 'em out to 'Leven Foot 

Long' 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



The Legend of THE GIANT HORSE 
'Tis quite Improbable, of Course. 



tar. 22 ten 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



Once there was a GIANT HORSE, 
That Walked through all the Town, 




A-Stepping into all the Roofs, 
And Smashing Houses Down 



C4X.23 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

THE PURPLE COW'S Projected Feast: 
Reflections on a Mythic Beast, 
Who's quite Remarkable, at Least. 

I NEVER SAW A PURPLE COW, 




BUT I CAN TELL YOU, ANYHOW, 



coo 24 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



I NEVER HOPE TO SEE ONE; 




I'D RATHER SEE THAN BE ONE! 

coo 25 coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



On DIGITAL EXTREMITIES: 
A Poem, and a Gem it Is! 



COO 



26 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 




I'd Rather have Fingers than Toes; 




I'd Rather have Ears than a Nose; 
And As for my Hair, 
I'm Glad it's All There; 




I'll be Awfully Sad, when it Goes! 



37 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



The LAZY ROOF what Liked the Sun 
Or, How the Walls were Put Upon. 



28 



coo 2o coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



The Roof it has a Lazy Time 
A- Lying in the Sun; 







The Walls, they have to Hold Him Up; 
They do Not Have Much Funl 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



REMARKABLE ART: A Lesson 

Objective 

In Animal Motion and Rules of 
Perspective. 



000 30 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 




Remarkable 

Truly is Art ! 
See Elliptical 

Wheels on a Cart! 
It Looks Very Fair 
In the Picture, up There, 
But Imagine the 

Ride, when you Start! 




coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE LECTURE: A Slight Divagation 
Concerning Cranial Ambulation. 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

I Love to Go to Lectures, 
And Make the People Stare, 




By Walking Round Upon Their Heads, 
And Spoiling People's Hair! 



008 J COS 



33 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE WINDOW PAIN: a Theme 

Symbolic, 
Pertaining to the Melon Colic. 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

The Window has Four Little Panes; 
But One have I 




The Window Pains are in its Sash; 
I Wonder Why! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



On STREETS OF GLUE: A Horrid 

Tale, 
Of Fly- Paper on a Fearful Scale! 



S 36 



-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

If the Streets were Filled with Glue, 
What d'you S'pose that you would Do? 




If you should Go to Walk, at Night, 

In the Morning you'd be Stuck in Tight! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



GLUE STREETS: A Picture Expurgated 
From out the Lark Because 't was Hated. 



coo 



If the Streets were Filled with Glue, 
What cT you S'pose that you would Do ? 




If you should Go to Walk, at Night, 

In the Morning you'd be Stuck in Tight! 



39"* 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE TOWEL AND THE DOOR, Ah, 

Well, 
The Moral I 'd not Dare to Tell ! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



The Towel Hangs Upon the Wall, 
And Somehow, I don't Care, at All! 




The Door is Open; I Must Say, 
I Rather Fancy it That Way! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE DOOR AND TOWEL, Once Again : 
Preposterous, Inverse, Insane! 



ten 4.2 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



1IIA 



3fb noqlJ ggriBH bwoT 

J'nob I t worbmo8 bnA 




I ; naqO ai looQ 
jHT J 



coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



INSOMNIA: Strange Membership, 
And an Attachment Bound to Slip. 



40=44005 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 



My Legs are so Weary 
They Break Off in Bed ; 




And my Caramel Pillow 
It Sticks to my Head! 



45 coo 



-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE BORE: Or, How I am Impressed 
By Coming of a Hateful Guest. 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



My House is Too Little to Live in; 
Oh! What Would I do in a Flat? 




With a Bore for a Caller 
It Seems even Smaller; 
There's Nothing so Strange about That! 

000 47 <U73 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



PARISIAN NECTAR for the Gods : 
A Little Thick, but What's the Odds? 



00048 



CCO 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



Many People Seem to Think 
Plaster o' Paris 
Good to Drink; 



ft 




Though Conducive unto Quiet, 
I Prefer Another Diet! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE FLOORLESS ROOM: ANovelSort 
Of Argument Without Support. 



van 



I Wish that my Room had a Floor! 
I don't so Much Care for a Door, 




But this Crawling Around 
Without Touching the Ground 
Is Getting to be Quite a Bore! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



ASTONISHMENT: Depicting How 
Peculiar is the Verdant Bough ! 



00552000 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

I Picked Some Leaves from Off a Tree 
And Then I Nearly Fainted; 







For Somehow it Astonished Me 
To Find They'd all been Painted! 



coo 53 *GQ 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



A RADICAL CREED : Denying the Need 
Of Things from Which we'd Dislike to be 
Freed. 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



I Don't Give a |/D 2 
For the Stuff you Denominate Hair 




And your Fingers and Toes and your 

Neck and your Nose, 
These are Things it Revolts me to Wear ! 

u 55 * 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



On DENSITY of a Remarkable Kind: 
Usually Caused by an Absence of Mind, 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



If People's Heads were Not so Dense 
If We could Look Inside, 




How clear would Show each Mood and 

Tense 
How Often have I Tried! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE GOOP: Constructed on a Plan 
Beyond the Intellect of Man. 



0^58 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 



Now, You are what I call a GOOP 





A 

Co-Tangent, 
Harmonious 
Loop; 




You Appear 

to be Facing 

Due South, 



But Oh, What have you Done with your 
Mouth? csc<*>o 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE SUNSET: Picturing the Glow 
It Casts upon a Dish of Dough. 



-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

The Sun is Low, to Say the Least, 
Although it is Well- Red; 




Yet, Since it Rises in the Yeast, 
It Should be Better Bredl 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



CONFESSION: and a Portrait, Too, 
Upon a Background that I Rue! 



62 



van 



Ah, Yes! I Wrote the "Purple Cow" 
I'm Sorry, now, I Wrote it! 



CAN TCLL YOU ANYHOW IDRATHERSEE 




But I can Tell you Anyhow, 
I'll Kill you if you Quote it! 

&00 63 &O3 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



MY HOUSE: and How I Make my Bed 
A Nocturne for a Sleepy Head. 



00064000 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



My House is Made of Graham Bread, 
Except the Ceiling's Made of White; 







Of Angel Cake I Make my Bed 
I Eat my Pillow Every Night! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



MY FANCIES: Fatuous Vagaries 
Inspired by my Coal Hearted Lares. 



C00 



66 



-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

My Fancies like the Flames Aspire; 
I Dream of Fame and Fate; 




I See my Future in the Fire, 
And Oh, 't is Simply Grate! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE PROPER EXIT: How a Jest 
Politely Speeds the Parting Guest. 



C/20 



68 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

The Proper way to Leave a Room 
Is not to Plunge it into Gloom; 




Just Make a Joke Before you Go, 

And Then Escape Before They Know, 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE JILTED FUNERAL: Motorcars 
More Deadlier than Mean Cigars! 



70009 



Why does this Seedy Lady Look 

As Though she 7 Should be Undertook? 




Ah, Should her Spirit now Forsake her, 
I Wouldn't Want to Undertake her! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



A QUADRUPED UNCLASSIFIED: 
I couldn't Name This, if I Tried! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



Now, Take this Gaudy Pseudo-Chair! 
A Bold, Upholsterrific Blunder 




It doesn't Wonder Why it's There, 
We don't Encourage it to Wonder! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE BRITISH GUARDSMAN'S Well- 

Packed Chest: 
And Why his Martial Pride 's Suppressed. 



74 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



Who is this Man, so Tightly Dressed, 
With Silver Medals on his Chest? 




His Bosom does not Swell with Pride 
There is Not Room enough Inside! 

coo 7 JJ coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



On DRAWING-ROOM AMENITIES: 
Oh, What a Happy Scene it Is! 



66076 



GOO 



BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



There is Little in Afternoon Tea 
To Appeal to a Person Like Me; 




Polite Conversation Evokes the Elation 
A Cow might Enjoy, in a Tree! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE STAFF OF LIFE: And HOW 

to Cut one; 
Reproof, and How a Father Got One. 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



It Makes me (sic) and Mother Sick 
To have you Cut the Bread so Thick; 




I do not Care about your Waist, 
It is a Question of Good Taste ! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE SENSE OF HUMOUR is Sponta- 
neous, 
Unconscious, Instantaneous. 



80 



000 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

When you Get Off your Wheel, 
Oh, how Funny you Feel! 




"X 

When you Get Off your Joke 
What a Gloom you Provoke ! 

s 6 cos COO 8 I C00 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE LAUNDRIED DOG: A Whim 

Chinese, 
And its Effect upon the Please. 



etn 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



I Sent my Collie to the Wash 

They Starched and Ironed her, B' Gosh ! 




And then they Charged me Half a Dollar 
For Laundrying the Collie's Collar! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



IMAGINARY OSCULATION 
The Base of Future Operation. 



ten 84099 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 



Suppose you Take a Hypothetic Kiss 
The Position I assume would be like This; 




It Might Perhaps mean Realistic Curse, 
And then Again it Might Mean the 
Reverse ! 



COO 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



On PREFERENCES one might Express 
In Lingerie and Fitting Ad-dress. 



86 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



I'd Rather have Callers than Cuffs, 
Though Both of Them Render me Bluej 




I 'd Rather have Ribbons than Roughs, 
But Why should that Interest you? 

GOO 87 COO 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



A WOMAN'S REASON : A Quotation 
To Put an End to Conversation. 



-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

I 'm Sure every Word that you say is 

Absurd; 
I Say it's all Gummidge and Twaddle; 




You may Argue away till the igth of May, 
But I don't like the Sound of the 
Moddle ! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE CALL: Effect of the Atrocity 
Of Tales of Juvenile Precocity. 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



For an Hour they've been Saying "Good- 

Bye," 
And a Marvel of Patience am I ; 



'K 




I can Handle my Passion 
Through Gossip and Fashion, 
But at Mention of Babies I Fly! 



coo Q I coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE POPLARS : How and Why they 

Bowed ; 
A Delicacy Disavowed. 



Perhaps you might Imagine that the Trees 
Are Agitated Merely by the Breeze; 




No, the Lady who so Fat is 
Has been Eating Garlic Patties 
And the Poplars are Afraid she's Going 
to Sneeze! ^93^ 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



ELIZABETH : A Gloomy Story, 
(Perhaps it is an Allegory). 



94 






THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

There was a Girl. Her name was Liza. 
She Drank Black Ink. For an Appetizer, 




She Grew so Thirsty. As she Grew Bigger. 
That now that Girl. Is a Regular Nigger, 



000 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

THE CHEWING GUM MAN : Though it is Mine, 
Some Say 't was Cribbed from " Frankenstein " 
(It Is a Little in that Line !) 

OH, Willie an' Wallie an' Huldy Ann 
They went an' built a bid Chewin' Dum Man ! 
It was none o' your teenty little dots 
Wif pinhole eyes, an' pencil spots, 
But this was a terribul bid one well, 
'T was a-most as high as the Palace Hotel ! 
An* it took 'em a year to chew the dum ! 
An' Willie he done it all, 'cept some 
That Huldy dot her Ma to chew, 
By the time the head was ready to do. 

Well, Willie he chewed it for days n' dayi j 
They brung it to him in dreat, bid drays; 
An' fast as he dot it dood and soft, 
Then Wallie he come an' carried it oft. 
Then he rolled it into a dreat, bid ball, 
Art he made a-more 'n a MILLION, -in all ! 
Then Huldy Ann, she spanked 'em flat, 
An' pinched and poked, an' the like of that, 
Till she dot it into a dreat, bid hunk 
My ! did n't Huldy have the spunk ! 
An' then she sliced one end, half-way, 
To make the leds ('cause they never stay 
When you stick 'em on in a seprit piece 
Seems like the ends was made o' drease !) 
*1* coo 97 coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



An' she slit a arm right up each side 

I could n't a-done it if I 'd a-tried ! 

O' course her brothers, they helped her, though, 

An' rolled the arms and leds out, so 

They all was smoof, wif roundin' bends, 

An' chopped the finders inter the ends ; 

An* when their mother had chewn the head, 

She went and stuck it on, instead ! 

An' then, when the man was almost done, 

They had a norfle lots o' fun j 

A-walkin' down his stummick was best, 

To make the buttons onter his vest ! 

They stuck bid cart-wheels in him, for eyes, 

His eyes was bof tremenjus size ! 

His nose was a barrel, an' then, beneaf, 

They used a ladder to make his teef ! 

An' when he was layin' across the street, 

Along come Leir daddy, as white 's a sheet. 

He was skeert half outer his wits, I guess, 

An* he did n't know whatter make o' the mess. 

Then Huldy, she up, an' bedun to coax 

To have him down town, to skeer the folks ! 

So her dad, he drabbed him off'n the street, 

An* Willie and Wallie, they took his feet, 

An' they dradded him clean down to the Codswell Fountain, 

An' stood him up as bid as a mountain ! 

You 'd oughter a-seen him standin' there, 

A-straddlin' Market Street, in the air ! 

Well, he stood up straight for a week 'n a half, 
An' the folks, Dee ! did n't they drin and laugh ! 

c 98 v&* 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



The boys clumb up his leds quite bold, 
The dum was so soft that they dot dood hold j 
The cars run under him, day an* night, 
An* the people come miles to see the sight ! 

Well, after he 'd stayed as stiff as a post, 

Wif his head on top of the roofts, almost, 

The sun come out o' the fod, one day, 

An', well, I dess you can see the way 

That dreat, bid feller bedun to melt ; 

Imagine bow Willie an 9 W alii e felt ! 

For first, he cocked his head out, some, 

An' when the heat dot inter the dum, 

He slowly waved his arms ahead, 

An' slanted forrard, just like he was dead ! 

An' all day long he leaned and bent, 

Till all expected he would of went 

An' pitched right over ! They roped the street, 

To keep the crowd away from his feet, 

I tell you he was a sight. My soul ! 

Twice as high as a teledraff pole, 

Wavin' his arms an' slum pin' his feet, 

An' a-starin' away down Market Street ! 

Then what did I tell yer? That blame old head 

Their mother had made a-seprit, instead, 

It fell right off and squashed a horse ! 

('T was so soft it did n't kill him, o 9 course ! 

When his hands dot so they touched the dround 

A hundred policemen they come around, 

COO IOO C473 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



They stuck a cable-car on to his feet, 

An' one to his head, a-doin' up street, 

An* then they pulled him opposite ways, 

An' they pulled him for days and days and days ! 

An' they drawed him out so slim and small, 

That he reached a mile an' a half, in all ! 

An* that was the end of the Chewin' Dum Man ! 

For Willie an' Wallie an' Huldy Ann 

They come along wif a axe, next day, 

An' they chopped him up, an' duv him away ! 




NOTE. The Author desires to apologize to the friends of Huldy 
Ann for the liberties be has taken with the diction in which the 
*' Chewing Gum Man" and its sequels were first written. It was 
bis original intention to render these epics in the dialect of the nursery , 
and he takes this opportunity of reprinting the ballad with the proper 
spelling, thus fulfling a debt be has too long owed to himself and the 
beauties of the poem. 

coo IOI otfo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE RUNAWAY TRAIN: A Pert Creation 

Of Fancy and Imagination, 

Fit for the Rising Generation 

OH, Willie an' Wallie, an' Pinkie Jane, 
They run away wif a railroad train ! 
'T was Wallie dot up the ridiclous plan 
'T was most as dood as the Chewin' Dum Man ! 
Wallie is terribul funny My ! 
He can make up a face that would make you die ! 
An' when Pinkie Jane come down to the City, 
He tried to show off, for she 's awful pretty. 
So they all went over acrost the Bay 
To have a picnic and spend the day. 
At Sixteenth Street they dot off the cars 
A-drinnin J an' diddlin' so, My Stars ! 
A Enormous crowd bedun to collect, 
But nobuddy knew just what to expect. 
Then up the track come a little spot 
An' nearer, an' nearer, an' NEARER it dot! 
But Willie an' Wallie an' Pinkie Jane 
Stood right in the road of the Overland Train ! ! ! 
The folks on the platform bedun to yell, 
" Look out ! Get offt ! " an' the enjine bell 
Was ringin' like mad, but them children stood 
As calm as if they was made o' wood ! 
And a dreat bid fat man yelled, " Oh, Dolly ! 
For Kevins Sake, just look at Wallie ! " 
As the train come thunderin' down the rail 
The wimmin all turned terribul pale 
<X*> IO2 G0o 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

But Wallie he stood there, stiff 's a soldier, 

An' then (you remember what I told yer) 

He made up a horribul face, and Whack ! 

He skeert the enj'me right off 'n the track ! 

An' the train jumpt forrards an* squirmed around 

A-wriddlin' an' jiddlin' over the dround. 




An' all the people they had to git, 
For that blame old enjine, it had a fit ! 
But when the train dot onter the track, 
Them children they dumb right onter its back. 
An' they tickled it so that all to once 
It fetched a lot of shivers and d runts, 
An' it humped itself way up in the air, 
An' p'raps it did n't div 'em a scare ! 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

Then it puffed an' puffed, a-faster an' faster, 
While Wallie sat there, like a old school-master, 
A-drivin' that train, till I tell you what, 
You no idea what a nerve he 's dot ! 
Willie held on to Wallie, an' Jane 
Held on to Wallie with mighnt an' main. 




Then they hitched along, like a old inch-worm, 
With now a spazzum, and then a squirm. 
But Willie an' Wallie an' Pinkie Jane, 
They soon dot sick o' that railroad train ! 
But when they crawled to the last end car, 
To jump on the dround, where it was n't far, 
They dot a heap worse off, instead, 
For that nasty train, // stood on Its head! 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 



An* they all yelled, " teledrafi 

Huldy Ann 
An make her come as quick as she 

can ! 
We can't del off! Oh, hurry up, 

please ! 
What would we do if it went to 

sneeze ? " 

I tell yer them children was in a fix 
When that mad enjine was doin' 

his tricks ! 
But the messenger boy found 

Huldy Ann, 
An' she said " I 'm thankful 1 

aint a man ! 
I'll show 'em how!" an' she 

crossed the Bay 
An* she see in a wink where the 

trouble lay. 
An' she said, " you do, an' you 

teledraft back 
For a load o' candy to block the 

track ! " 
An' when they sent it, she piled it 

high 
Wif chocolate caramels dood 

ones My ! 
Peppermint drops and cocoanut 

cream, 
Till it looked too dood for a 

Christmas dream ! 




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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

An' the sun it tnelted an' finished the job 

Into one dreat eledant sticky dob ! 

So the train run inter it, lickety-split, 

An' the cow-catcher stuck, when the enjine hit, 

An' the tail o' the train flew up and threw 

Them children into that caramel doo ! 

They fell clear in, way over their head, 

But Ann eat 'em out, and sent 'em to bed ! 




O6 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE HOTEL CARAMEL: A Sweet 
And Happy Story to Repeat ; 
Please Not Accuse me of Deceit ! 

O WILLIE an' Wallie an' Huldy Ann, 
The same that made the Chewin' Dum Man, 
Say, what d' you s'pose they done now ? Well, 
They invented the " Hotel Caramel ! " 
You see them children, on Christmas Eve, 
Had PILES o' candy, you better believe ; 
An* it came an' came all Christmas Day, 
Too much to eat, or to div away, 
They never had such 'normous treat ; 
It filled the house, and it filled the street ! 
Their uncles were bound they would have some fun. 
An' everyone of 'em sent a ton ! 
Their aunts were so fond o' Huldy's brothers, 
That each was bound to send more 'n the others 
To Huldy Ann, an' Willie, an' Wallie, 
An' they ALL sent Chocolate Caramels ! Dolly ! 
Well, they eat an' eat till the Doctor said 
If they eat any more they would all be dead. 
They div a half a million away, 
But the rest just laid around in the way. 
Their father was crazy, their mother was mad, 
An' they said such 'stravadance was too bad ! 
Then Huldy Ann, she perked up, " Well, 
Come on, an' we '11 build up a bid hotel ! " 
Willie an' Wallie they said, " All right," 
An' they went to work that very night ! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 



Willie an' Wallie an' Huldy Ann, 
They talked it over an' drew the plan. 
Then Wallie he copied it on to his slate 
An' Huldy Ann, she said it was great ! 
So the day after Christmas they did bedin, 
An' had the foundations all put in. 




Willie he took off the papers first, 
But Wallie's job was about the worst 
He had to carry 'em up to Ann. 
It was all very nice when they first bedan j 
But when the wall was three stories high 
It took some climbin', but he was spry ; 
And Huldy Ann laid the Caramel brick 
"Sn a long straight wall about three foot thick. 
000 108 000 



-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

Well, before it came around New Years Day 
I tell you that old Hotel looked day ! 
It was six floors high, wif a dreat front door, 
An' it had a hundred rooms, or more ! 




Well, all the children, they came, pell-mell, 
To endage their rooms at the new Hotel ! 
They charged the boarders a cent a day, 
But they turned a more 'n a million away ! 
Well, it stood all right when the weafer was cold, 
An' the place was fuller than it could hold ; 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



But when it dot warmer, then, what d' you think ? 
The whole front wall just bedan to sink ; 
It bent an' curved till they all dot scared, 
For they did n't see how it could be repaired j 
The floors they hollowed, the walls they tipped, 

And then all the hotel 

children skipped ! 
Even Huldy Ann was 

some afraid, 

But Willie an' Wallie, 
they stayed and stayed. 
The Hotel Caramel 

bent each day 
Till it curved in a most 

terrifical way ; 
An' Huldy Ann she 
implored, but Willie 
An' Wallie said she 

was only silly ! 
Well, one Spring night 

came a awful rain, 
And the ole Hotel 
could n't stand the 
strain. 
The roof it melted and 

ran like dlue 
In a sticky mess of the caramel doo ; 
An' the wall collapsed in the hot, wet weafer 
An' stuck the windows and doors todefer ! 
An' Willie an' Wallie were shut inside 
An' they could n't det out when they woke, and tried ! 

c<90 I IO C0o 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



The floor was up where the wall should be, 
An' the boys was as sticky as they could be. 
Well Huldy Ann was scared into fits, 
And she come quite close to have lost her wits. 
The folks come running wif yell an' shout 
And bedun to endeavor to did 'em out ; 




But Huldy come to, an* thought of a trick. 

An' sent for the Fire Department, quick. 

So she got a engine an* turned the hose 

On the wail of the house, an' then, what d' you s'pose ? 

Why, it washed the caramel window in, 

Till Willie and Wallie was wet to the skin. 

So they soon clum out and dot safely down, 

To the great relief of the anxious town. 

But Huldy said, "No more candy for me ! " 

For the boys was as sticky as they could be ! 

Well, what to do wif that old Hotel 

Was more than Huldy Ann could tell ! 

<*73 I I I COO 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



It would melt all day and then freeze all night, 

An' lots of the teams would get stuck in tight. 

It ran an' ran till it filled the town 

In a dreat bid river all thick and brown. 

Till they passed a law that no kind of store 

Should ever sell candy, any more ! 

For it took two years to clean it away ! 

An' Willie's uncles, they had to pay ! 

An' you may not believe it, but sure 's you 're born, 

Six Caramel trees drew out on their lawn ! 




I I 2 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 



THE LEVITANT: or, How One Gerrish 
Had an Adventure Quite Nightmare-ish, 
And Feared that He would Surely Perish. 

ENOCH F. GERRISH was a " prominent citizen." 
He had his name in large type in the Directory and 
in the telephone book. He was often mentioned as 
u among those present " in the local columns of the dailies. 
He was a " solid business man," and could be seen any day 
on Montgomery Street, easily recognizable by his eyes, big 
as hard-boiled eggs, his paint-brush whiskers and his duck 
vest, which always had a button missing somewhere about it. 
He toed in slightly when he walked, but he could afford him- 
self this and many other eccentricities, for he was rich. But 
he was most prominent as a member of the Society for Psychi- 
cal Research, and to the reports of its proceedings he had 
contributed many bulky and remarkably uninteresting papers 
collated from the answers to thousands of postal-card cate- 
chisms sown recklessly abroad. He had tabulated, classified, 
and commented upon the replies to such questions as : " Have 
you ever seen a ghost ? " " If not, why not ? " " Has a ghost 
ever seen you?" etc., etc. His "Diagnosis of the Inter- 
Phantomic Relations of Sub-Spherical Spirits " had given him 
prestige in the Society, and on the strength of fifteen thousand 
words anent " Spectral and Pseudo-Spectral Anthropologia " 
he had narrowly escaped the election to the Presidency of 
the body. 

Yet, like so many of his fellow essayists on these ultra- 
scientific topics, Mr. Gerrish had never seen a ghost. He 
had talked with those who had, however, and he had an 

^Scs* <&> I 13 060 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



exhaustive lore ready at hand for recital, and when his 
audience was composed of women, he often made bold to 
broider the narrative with details of his own invention, 
and at these times did not hesitate to use the first person 
construction. 

Mr. Gerrish was at this time engaged upon a new thesis ; 
radical, even revolutionary. He was tired of his pose as an 
amateur ghost-seer, and the luminous idea of making capital 
out of his failures by using them to prove an original hypothe- 
sis swelled his vanity. Perhaps this would secure to him the 
President's chair, and he could have the delight of ringing the 
u ten minute bell " on verbose essayists. He had often been 
suppressed himself in this way, and he longed to be on the 
other side of the table. 

" Conditions of Levitation and Semi-Nudity in Dream " 
was the title of his thesis. 

He worked every night upon the development of his theory, 
keeping one eye open for spectral visitations, in case his new 
scheme should prove ineffective. He always kept on the 
table beside his bed a pistol, a non-explosive lamp (that 
would n't go out even if overthrown), a watch, a pencil and 
a pad of ruled paper upon which to take notes of supernatural 
occurrences. The top sheet of this pad was numbered (i), 
but it had remained otherwise blank for five months. He cut 
the " Death Notices " from the papers every day, and pinned 
them to the wall, near the head of his bed, in order to identify 
new-made ghosts. 

The annual dinner of the S. P. R. was held on New Year's 
eve. Thirteen members were present. 

The rest were celebrating less riotously. 

Mr. Gerrish had allowed hints of his latest investigations 
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-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

to leak into the after-dinner personalities ; several of the 
speeches had made mention of the embarrassing situations 
due to u Semi-Nudity in Dream." Reason demanded an 
explanation for the outrage so often put upon the sensibilities. 
Enoch F. Gerrish nearly burst with the efforts to restrain 
from exploiting his theories, but his policy and an enormous 
looped watch-chain kept him from exploding. The time was 
not yet come. He drank like a camel to brace his nerve; 
he felt that a few leading questions would puncture his resolve 
and the secret would escape. He ate ravenously of the 
remnants of the dessert to cover his agitation. He felt that 
every one was looking at him but only the President was. 
The President was wondering how a Psychical Researcher 
could eat so much and live. 

At the business meeting following, Enoch F. Gerrish was 
nominated for the Presidency for the ensuing year, but he did 
not realize it until three days later, when he was notified by 
the Secretary in writing. He was now too busily engaged 
with a Welsh rabbit that the President had maliciously manu- 
factured. The meeting came at last to an end, or at least it 
tapered off, the members waking up in turn and going home. 

When Mr. Gerrish left, they were still reading papers. 
No one was listening. The President was drawing little 
circles on a sheet of paper with a soft pencil, and the Secretary 
was making love to his watch. 

Enoch found his way home with great difficulty and a large 
stick. 

He felt as if he had been eating fireworks and they were 
going off inside of him. 

The street was like the back of a whale that it was neces- 
sary to climb, and it seemed to be rolling on a long ground- 
ed 1 1 ^ 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



swell. The houses circled about him like a merry-go-round. 
He tried to take his temperature with a little pocket-ther- 
mometer, but the mercury was all huddled into the top of the 
tube. Somehow things seemed to be going wrong with him ; 
he knew that much, but very little more. 

He did not remem- 
ber his whole pilgrim- 
age ; he believed finally 
that he had accom- 
plished the stairs, be- 
cause he found himself 
at the top. He could 
not remember whether 
he had gone through 
the door of his room, 
or climbed in a win- 
dow, but he was inside, 
and was glad of it. He 
undressed himself care- 
fully, and went to bed, 
thinking he should 
have done so earlier. 
He suddenly realized 
that it was New Year's 
day, and he at once decided to reform. 

By this time it was two o'clock, and the Welsh rabbit, like 
a patriotic set-piece, still burned in his abdomen ; he had 
almost given up hope, when he fell asleep, but his snoring 
was so terrible that it woke him up again. He arose un- 
steadily, and circumnavigated the room in search of cotton 
to plug his ears. He soon forgot what he was looking for, 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



and returned in a bewildered condition to his bed, and began 
counting, wondering when it would be over. . . . 

As he reached number thirteen, he opened his eyes. Some- 
thing was rising out of the bed from between his feet. This 
did not seem at all right to him, and he was much hurt by the 
occurrence, until it became evident that it was a ghost. Now 
Mr. Gerrish was in no condition to entertain ghosts at this 
time, but he nerved himself for the interview and reached for 
his pistol and note-book, though he was uncertain which to 
use first. He tried to decide whether he was more afraid or 
surprised. 

He remembered Bulwer-Lytton's distinction between fear 
and terror, and thought what rot it was. 

Meanwhile, the phantom was emerging from the bed, or 
more properly through the bed. Mr. Gerrish rubbed his legs 
back and forth to see if he could feel the ghost, but he could 
not. Yet the apparition was sticking through the bed like a 
brochette. Mr. Gerrish thought this phenomenon interesting, 
and was about to make a note of it, when materialization of 
the ghost set in so strongly as to absorb his whole attention. 

He wondered where he had seen the ghost before, and 
decided that it was nowhere. 

He remembered the circus of last year, and the athletes 
and tumblers at the Orpheum Theater, and concluded that 
this was one of them. He did not know which. The spectre 
was dressed in trunks and tights ; he had longish hair, and was 
much more transparent than was becoming to a person of 
his size. His eyeballs were conspicuous, and ill placed, and 
as he hung over the bed like a huge interrogation point, waving 
his arms, Mr. Gerrish felt that something was about to happen. 
He felt, vaguely, that he should take the time ; he was sure 
090 I 17 c<73 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 



that none of the members would believe him, unless he told 
at what o'clock it happened. The reports of the Society 
generally gave the hour and minute, and sometimes it had 
been figured down to split seconds. He looked at his watch, 
but the hands seemed to be going backwards, and he gave up 

this detail with a sigh. 
The horrible part 
of the affair was that 
the ghost did not speak. 
Mr. Gerrish was com- 
pelled to take the ini- 
tiative ; six times he 
endeavored to say 
something, but as he 
could think of nothing 
to say, little came of 
his attempts. At the 
seventh effort a volley 
of words burst from 
him, filling the room 
like the explosion of 
a barrel of firecrackers. 
When it was over, 
there was a shocking 
silence, and he found he had exclaimed : 

" Ghostly phantom, thing of evil, spectre, demon, spook, or 
devil, take thy legs from out my bedstead, take thy toes from 
off my floor ! " 

Somehow this seemed inadequate, and he began again. 
The ghost evidently expected something better of him, and 
still hung swaying over the counterpane, gibbering with gaunt 

<*73 I I 8 C<90 




-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



grimaces. Mr. Gerrish at length began to regain his nerve; 
the rabbit within him grew more docile, and the spirit of the 
investigator awoke. 

"Tell me," he began, "to what am I indebted for the 
honor? " etc., etc. 

"Beware ! " said the spectre. "No familiarities, please; I 
am sent to you to divulge the secrets of ' Levitation and 
Semi-Nudity in Dream.' This night shall illumine you! 
Come ! " and seizing the Psychical Researcher by the 
shoulder, he dragged him to the window, and held him 
struggling like a kitten, outside the sash. The rays of a 
decrescent moon varnished the soles of the unfortunate vic- 
tim's feet ; an errant breeze slickered at his white night- 
robe, and it was very cold. The spook shook him gently, 
as one might flap the crumbs from a table-cloth out of the 
window, and Mr. Gerrish grew green with fear. The pave- 
ment below seemed miles away. Mr. Gerrish felt rather 
than saw this. On the other hand, he saw rather than felt 
the ghost. 

Suddenly all support was removed, and he fell ! 

He supposed about five years to have elapsed when he 
finally discovered that he was no longer falling. 

It was like a long wait between the acts of a bad play, 
when one longs to have the suspense over, yet dreads the 
next sensation. 

He knew from hearsay that if he reached the bottom he 
would die. That is, if it were a dream. The question then 
was, was it a dream ? He could not decide. 

At length he felt himself in the arms of the phantom > 
giggling. This gave him, however, no clue as to whethe) 
he was awake or not. 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 



"This is called the 'Sense of Falling,' to which you have 
already given five hundred words in your thesis," said the 
apparition. 

" Oh ! " said Mr. Gerrish, u out it is much easier imagined 
than described as they say in the story-books." 

u My next act is 
Levitation proper," said 
the ghost, and with the 
word he sprang into the 
air. 

It was, at first, very 
terrible. 

Mr. Gerrish waved 
his arms like a chicken 
that has been dropped 
from the roof of a house. 
He could not realize 
that he was being car- 
ried, but he felt the re- 
sponsibility of his own 
exertion, and he tried 
several kinds of swim- 
ming strokes, using his 
feet like a woman. 
He was high in the 
air before he realized that a mere effort of will was all that was 
necessary, and once assured, he began to like the sensation. 
" Do you often do this ? " he asked the spirit. 
" All the world knows me," was the reply, " though few 
have seen me. They think they do it alone, and in the day- 
light they try to remember how it was done." 

000 I 2O 00? 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

As he spoke, they passed the top of a steeple. Mr. Ger- 
rish could not resist the temptation to lay hold of it. 
To his surprise it felt hard and real, and of a sudden, 
terror seized him. He perceived his immense distance 
from the street and became giddy. His normal senses 
returned to him, and he clung to the pinnacle, just below 
the vane. 

Again the ghost left him. 

He dared not look down again, but embraced the pyramid 
eagerly, as though he were afraid it might break away from his 
clutches. 

He was alone in the sky. 

He might have been an Arctic explorer at the actual North 
Pole, for any chance he had of relief. The spire seemed to 
bend in the wind, and recover its perpendicularity with much 
difficulty. 

He felt like a damp shirt that had been hung out to dry, 
and had been forgotten. 

He wished to yell for help, but hoped that no one below 
was looking at him. 

Some time after the ghost reappeared, and hung in the air 
as if treading water to keep itself afloat. Mr. Gerrish won- 
dered if it had been off to get a drink. 

" If you have had enough of Levitation," said the ghost, 
" we may continue our investigations." And Mr. Gerrish 
found himself at home in bed again. But he had by this time 
ceased to wonder at anything. He would have liked a pro- 
gramme, so as to know what to expect next, but he had lost a 
good deal of interest in the proceedings. 

It was as if he were trying not to listen to a paper being 
read at a meeting of the Researchers. 
coo I 21 ceo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



" We shall now proceed to the condition of Semi-Nudity 

in Dream," remarked the spectre. 

" But I have had that," objected Enoch. 
" 1 am afraid I have complicated things, but this will be a 

simple case. And 
first I '11 show you 
what I can do at bed- 
tipping," and the 
spectre was as good 
as his word. The 
bed rocked like a 
steamer in the Chan- 
nel. It soared like an 
aeroplane* It dived, 
ducked, danced 
dropped and doddered 
like an indecent 
Pianchette. Mr. 
Gerrish clung to the 
rail like the boatswain 
of a runaway whale- 
boat. Finally the 
ghost took the bed 
upon his head and 
walked out of the 

room with it, forthwith. Mn Gerrish tried to be calm, but 

his head bumped against the ceiling, 

He held his breath as they crowded through the front door. 

Down the street they marched in a two-story procession, ghost 

and man. No one was abroad, but the cocks were crowing 

n the distance. 

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-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

It was like riding a camel, or swaying in a palaquin of a 
gouty elephant. 

Mr. Gerrish felt that he could stand no more, but the worst 
was yet to come. 

The ghost planted the bed in the middle of Market Street, 
and left him, this time for good. 

Mr. Gerrish waited a long time, hiding under the sheets, 
hoping it was a dream. At length he peeped from under the 
covers, and saw, to his horror, that it had begun to get light. 
The milk wagons began to rumble in the side streets. Worst 
of all, he was over the slot of the car line, and of a sudden the 
cable began to rattle over the pulleys. 

He did not want his bed to be pushed off the track by a 
Market Street car. 

A policeman appeared in the vanishing point of the perspec- 
tive of sidewalks, and walked steadily towards him. Mr. 
Gerrish decided to wait and see if it were a real policeman. 
The figure came nearer and nearer. The policeman left the 
sidewalk and approached the bed, rubbing his eyes. Mr. 
Gerrish was almost able to read the number on the helmet, 
when the policeman hesitated a moment in astonishment, then 
turned and ran like a hen up the middle of the street. He 
tarned one block up, to the right, and disappeared. 

A cable car with a red light appeared in the distance, and 
Mr. Gerrish saw the time had come for action. He left the 
bed on the track, and walked without dignity toward the 
northwest. He wondered why he did not run, but a thin fog 
seemed to blur his eyes, and he had great trouble in finding 
his way. 

Every little while he walked off the curbstone, and landed 
with a nasty jolt. 

coo I 23 ?o 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



He had never known there were so many streets in 
San Francisco, and he wished them to remain straight, but 
they refused. Each street seemed to be tied into a bow knot 
with six ends. The sidewalks were set obliquely, the cross- 
ings led back to the same side of the way, so he could never 

get over. The houses 
were huddled into the 
middle of the pave- 
ment. The gutters ran 
vertically. He won- 
dered why. He was 
in a labyrinth, clad 
immodestly. He tried 
to find a latch key, but 
he had no pocket. 

He met wayfarers, 
but they did not seem 
to notice him. 

He wondered if his 
bed would be returned. 
It was not marked, but 
Jp3; he thought he might 

,". ~'^f*3& advertise for it. 

Then there was a 

great blank, as if the whole world had been etherized; and 
then the void and chaos began to take form. Something 
looked familiar. Ten pink spots upon the horizon. 

They were his toes, sticking through the covers of his bed, 
and he heard himself counting " sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, 
nineteen, TWENTY." 




I 24 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 



THE SPECTRE HOUSE: a Realization 
Of Pseudo-Dematerialization ; 
Or Better, say Etherealization. 

MR. ENOCH GERRISH'S paper on "The Cus- 
toms and Costumes of Ardent Spirits " had ended 
at last, amid a babel of applause from the mem- 
bers of the Psychical Research Society. No one had listened, 
however; they applauded because he had finished. For an 
hour and twenty minutes Mr. Gerrish had kept them from 
their annual dinner. 

They were sorry they had re-elected him president. 

The dinner began, but to Mr. Gerrish's floating fancy it 
never really ended. He ate on and on, abstractedly, and from 
time to time he lifted a glass and drank, without taking off his 
eyes from the bunch of celery in front of him. 

He was thinking. 

It was not the stuffed grouse, nor the leberwurst, nor the 
mince pie, nor the Burgundy, nor even the bunch of celery 
that induced Mr. Gerrish's hypnosis. To his mind this 
dinner was out of place at a meeting of such an important 
and intellectual society. He was thinking of his next paper, 
which was to be upon the " Materialization and Demateriali- 
zation of Inanimate Objects." 

If the members had known that he was already thinking of 
another paper, he would have been very much put out. 

At long intervals, his mind, swimming laboriously through 
the mazes of his forthcoming argument, rose, as one might 
say, to the surface of things, and he heard, as if borne from 
miles away, a song at the other end of the table. He was 

000 I 25 coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



occasionally hit unaware by a flying jest which exploded in 
inane laughter. 

His mind was on other things, though, he still passed his 
plate mechanically for a fourth helping of pie. An im- 
pressive company of empty bottles assembled beside his plate. 
He ate and drank like a machine which some one had started 
and had forgotten to stop. 

The dinner did not end ; but the scene changed, somehow, 
as in a dream suddenly, much as a woman changes the 
subject of a conversation, and with even less reason. 

He found himself in the street, walking. 

He kept in the middle of the street and counted his steps, 
skipping hundreds without noticing it. He was well into the 
millions when he reached No. 45 Taylor Street. He walked 
upstairs backward so as not to wake the baby, crawled through 
the transom into his room, and disrobed. 

He got into a Harveyized night-shirt, stiff and brittle, and 
polished as an ostrich egg, and went to bed. His shirt 
creaked when he breathed, and he fancied he was still walking, 
so he kept on counting. 

Suddenly he sat up and looked about him, for the candle 
was burning. He was in bed at No. 45 Taylor Street. But 
this house had burned down last March ! He was sure of 
that, for he had escaped down a ladder with great difficulty, 
carrying a pitcher of cold water carefully. The crowd had 
laughed at him, but he had explained to them his reasons for 
saving the pitcher, which was, so he said, a last present from 
his dying mother. The crowd had not believed this. 

How, then, could he be in No. 45 Taylor Street if the 
house had been burned down ? Or had it burned up ? There 
was the hole in the plastering where he had tried to look 
Gtfo I 26 oCtt 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



through the wall after the last dinner of the society. The 
pattern of the wall-paper, too, made faces at him, as it always 

did after he had over-eaten. 

The house, then, had been ma- 
terialized ! 

He reached for the pencil and 
paper which he always kept at 
the head of his bed in case an 
idea or a ghost ever occurred to 
him. He would make a note 
of this to use as a datum for 
his next essay. But the 
paper and pencil were not 
there. They never were 
there when he needed them. 
He got up and looked 
out of the window. It was 
almost morning. A milk- 
wagon was passing. From 
the next house came the 
sound of snorting and a 
housemaid rattling at the 
kitchen stove. He turned 
back to go to bed. 

There was hardly room 
enough left to sleep in. 

The walls had grown 
translucent and as through 
a mist he saw in the back 
yard his dog smelling at the dust-bin. Through blurred, 
jellylike walls on either side he saw the windows of the 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

adjoining houses. His own house was fast fading away. 
The whole front wall, bathed in the rays of the rising sun, 
had already disappeared ! The ceiling had vanished. 

With a sudden access of light the entire building melted 
away and was gone from sight. He could not see the floor 
though he felt the hard boards still under his feet, and 
he even ran an invisible sliver into his great toe, remov- 
ing it with difficulty. He groped his way, as if he were in 
the dark, feeling for the bed. He found it first with his 
left shin, and lay down, pulling the covers over him, in the 
same futile way that an ostrich endeavors to hide itself by 
putting its head in the sand. 

The blankets were invisible to the naked eye and useless to 
protect him from espionage, but they kept him warm. 

Mr. Gerrish lay in bed feeling very silly, watching the city 
awake. He dared not attempt to cross the floor, for fear of 
falling downstairs or out of the window. Walking had been 
difficult enough that night when the house was visible. What 
would it be when the floor was gone ? It made him giddy to 
think of it. 

He was imprisoned in the atmosphere like a bird in a cage, 
sixty feet from the pavement. He felt like a fish in a glass 
aquarium, except that he could not swim. 

The window next door was opened and the shade drawn. 
A housemaid put out her hand to see if it were raining. 
Then she looked up into the sky and saw Mr. Gerrish. Did 
she think it was raining middle-aged gentlemen in night-shirts ? 
For a long time she could not remove her eyes ; she was fas- 
cinated by the sight. 

She must have thought he was a belated angel who had 
missed the last train to Paradise. 

*9* coo I 29 coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

To Mr. Gerrish's relief, she vanished, but soon reappeared 
with the cook. The two did not leave the window till all 
was over. 

A policeman next entered the theatre of Mr. Gerrish's 
misery. The mortified but high-minded gentleman watched 
through his toes as the officer walked down the street. When 
he reached Mr. Gerrish's great toe he stopped and looked up 
at the cook and the housemaid. From these his eyes slowly 
travelled across the intervening space till they reached the 
figure of a gentleman in scant attire alone in the air ! 

"I say, you ! " yelled the policeman, "come down out of 
that ! It 's agin' the law to sleep out-of-doors ! " 

Mr. Gerrish waved his hand, feebly, in mild expo-depreca- 
tion. What was the use of trying to explain the situation ? 
Who would believe that he was in his own house, in his own 
room, lying on his own bed, and was at heart as modest as a 
spinster ? He would like nothing better than to be removed 
or have the house returned. 

The policeman began to throw stones at him, but only suc- 
ceeded in breaking a window. He heard the crash, but saw 
nothing. It was not till he had broken his own pate against 
the spectre house that he realized the unique but illegal 
situation. 

By this time a large crowd had gathered. The cook and 
the housemaid had not once taken their eyes from Mr. Ger- 
rish ; he could feel them staring when his back was turned. 
The policeman rang in a fire alarm and telephoned for the 
sergeant. 

After this things went more merrily. 

Ladders were brought and leaned against the invisible house, 
seemingly supported by nothing ; no one dared ascend. Men 

C0o I 30 coo 



-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

with axes hacked at the walls, for the door, wherever it was, 
was locked. A regiment of volunteers was called out to keep 
the mob in check. The mayor of the city appeared and read 
the Riot Act from the top of a . four-wheeled cab. Mr. 
Gerrish watched all this through half-closed eyelids ; he felt 
the mortifying situation keenly, and pretended to be asleep to 
hide his embarrassment. 

At last, after recklessly mounting a ladder, a fool of a 
policeman rushed in where this angel in a night-shirt had 
feared to tread. He grabbed Mr. Gerrish in his arms, and 
after bumping both heads against innumerable obstacles, bore 
him to the ground amidst the cheers of the now delirious 
populace. 

When Mr. Gerrish finally dared to open his eyes and 
release his grip from the policeman's neck, every one had 
vanished except the cook and the housemaid ; the house had 
reappeared as good as new, absolutely opaque in the early 
dawn. 

He saw the big black number " 45," but it was not like the 
house from which he had made such a sensational exit. 

Then he remembered that No. 45 Taylor Street had been 
rebuilt after the fire in March. 

u See here," said the policeman, winking at the housemaid, 
" you 'd better git back to bed, or you '11 catch cold. I caught 
you just in time." 

Mr. Gerrish read 14,000 words on the " Materialization 
and Dematerialization of Inanimate Objects " at the next 
dinner of the Psychical Research Society, but no one listened. 



coo I 7 I 



-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 



SOME PROVERBS: Hard to understand, 
Though obvious the Moral ; - And 
PROVERBS PERVERTED: Showing How 
They were as Truthful Then as Now. 




Misery Loves Com- 
pany. 




Do not Cross the 

Bridge until you 

Come to it. 




Birds of a Feather 
Flock Together ; or 

One Swallow does 
not Make a Summer. 




Those who Live in 

Glass Houses 

Should not Throw 

Stones. 



132 



000 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 




Dog my 

Love 
Dog Me ! 



Light Hands 

Make 
Many Work. 





Bedfellows 

Make 

Strange 

Poverty. 



Locksmiths 
Laugh at Love. 



Company Loves 
Misery. 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

THE OVAL MOON : Poorly Translated. 
The Author was Intoxicated ? 

THERE was an astonishing oval blue moon a-bubble 
amongst the clouds, striking a sidewise chord of 
wild, blatant reluctance athwart the bowl of curds 
with which I stroked her. 

O Love ! dead, and all your adjectives still in you. 

A harsh and brittle whisper of a dream a rough, red 
shadow-ghost of awful prominence welled out and up through 
all the inharmonious phases of the night. A frog bleated, 
and turned his toe to slumber. The fringe of despair hung 
round about my agony ; the stars went mad, the moon 
that blurred, blue, bleeding moon the very toadstools on the 
lawn, the close-clipped crust of foamy fire-lit hedge, balked, 
choking, grey, upon the ring of flame-spent turf. 

O Heaven and Happy Bard ! O freighted moors, conducive 
to my ecstasy ! Each unto each was there, all yet was vain ! 

Now, in this hushed and turbid clime, the rancid relics of 
the mist are not so gog with hume and spray, as in the rest. 
Did not the viper hurl his macrocosmic integer in time ? In 
such wise, I marvelled, might the whole world, peeled thin 
and narrow in the spectres of the night's reply, go wild and 
leer in many efforts to be insincere. 

But, Gosh ! What agony ! 

The avalanche of superinsistent medroles the pink of 
pure, prismatic diaphrams, spoldrum and whood all Hell 
was there, and, weeping, lured me on. 

So time went out, and came again, and disappeared. I was 
too proud, too anxious to rehearse my sentiment for this, the 
<**> I 34 coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



dishevelled, procrastinating fear that might have held me. 
The hotbed of palpitating remorse that drew me (and She, 
too, with Her heavy hopes ajar) the very thomes of past prog- 
nostications speeding to subject shams of wide and whooping 
fantasies 

Oh ! oh ! oh ! It was too terrible ! 

There was no nothing there only the 
semblance of sharp moist scalding epochs, 
ah, too long unfelt ! The little whining birds 
that She had known, the windy abyss above us, 
the Northern Paradox these indeed She 
had ; but where were sign of the three new- 
joined Mysteries the things that all applaud 
forsooth ? 

I began so slowly, too ; so secretly gaunt in 
that old world where She had been ! There 
was a fair old teeming thought, an echo-shape 
on my horizon, that reeked, and, tempering to 
its fresh-found tone, bewildered the ashes of 
the miasmic Past. Yet I belted on new 
moods, and, as I say, the hurtling phan- 
tom broke. How could She know what 
awful riot each red cone awoke ? 
How could She know ? 
How could She know ? 
What ? 





THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



WHAT SMITH TRIED TO BELIEVE: A Study 
That Ought to Appeal to Anybuddy. 



WELL, I come home late that night, near one 
o'clock, I reckon, and I undressed in the dark as 
per usual. When I got into bed, I thought it 
felt as though somebuddy had been there, and when I kicked 
out my leg, sure enough, somebuddy was there. Well, I 
thought, " Rats ! What 's the Difference ? I '11 go to sleep 
it 's only a man." 

But I kinder could n't sleep, so I got up and lit a cigaroot, 
and I saw the feller what was in bed with me was dead. 
Well, I thought, " Rats ! What 's the Difference ? He won't 
git over on to my side of the bed, anyway." 

Well, I fired my cigaroot in the paper basket, and went to 
sleep. After a while, I thought I smelled smoke, and it was n't 
cigaroot smoke, neither, but the basket was all afire, and burn- 
ing like a editor's soul after death ! Well, I thought " Rats ! 
What 's the Difference ? " 




coo 



I 36 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



Well, it looked so bright and comfortable, I thought I 'd 
get up and read. By this time one corner of the room was 
going like a runaway horse, and it was nice and warm. After 
I 'd read about ten minutes, it got so blame hot I could n't 
stand it, and I got up and went into the next room. I just 
thought, " Rats ! What 's the Difference ? " 

Well, in about a hour, there was a big crowd outside of the 
old house, and they was all yelling u Fire ! " to beat the cars. 
I looked outer winder. u Jump ! " says a fireman, and I 
jamp. 

Then I walked off, and a feller says, says he: "you blame 
fool, you bruk yer laig ! " Well, I thought, " Rats ! What 's 
the Difference ? " /> 




coo I 37 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



A PERMUTATI VE SYSTEM : Oh, how Strange 
Philosophy's Kaleidoscopic Range ! 

IT may be doubted that any system of 
thought arranged upon the lines here- 
with proposed can be a success. 
The fact of its accomplishment, alone, 
important as it must be, is no proof of 
method. 

For instance, the correct relation between 
any two facts is one that must be investigated 
along the lines of thought best correlated to 
these facts. 

And in spite of what, at first sight, might 
be called irrelevancy, there is this to be 
observed, no matter 
what bearing the above 
may have to the sub- 
ject in hand, that the relation of one 
part to any other may or may not be 
true. 

And here must be noted the impor- 
tance of the demand that such types of 
thought do exist. This is, no doubt, a 
quality of subjects, rather than of rela- 
tivity between modes of expression. 

So, too, are questions affecting the 
expression of coherent symbols of equal 
importance with the methods by which 
these symbols are expressed. 

coo I 38 <**> 






-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

But, at the same time, there must 
of necessity be a certain divergence in 
form between the types of questions 
to be discussed. 

And in spite of what might, at first 
sight, be called irrelevancy, there is this 
to be observed, no matter what the 
above may have to the subject in hand, 
that the relation of one part to any 
other may or may not be true. 

It may be doubted that any system 
of thought arranged upon the lines 
herewith proposed, can be a suc- 
cess. The fact of its accomplishment, 
alone, important as it must be, is 
no proof of method. 

But, at the same time, there must of neces- 
sity be a certain divergence in form between 
the types of questions to be discussed. 

For instance, the correct relation between 
any two facts is one that must be investigated 
along the lines of thought best correlated to 
these facts. 

So, too, are questions affecting the expression 
of coherent symbolsof equal importance with the 
methods by which these symbols are expressed. 
And in spite of what, at first sight, might be 
called irrelevancy, there is this to be observed, 
no matter what bearing the above may have to 
the subject in hand, that the relation of one part 
to any other may or may not be true. 
c<73 I 39 000 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



TRAPPING FAIRIES in West Virginia: 
I Think I ne'er Saw Fairies Skinnier ! 



140 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



SHOOTING WITCHES in Massachu- 
setts : 
How Proud each Female Bugaboo Sets ! 



COO 142 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



FISHING FOR MERMAIDS in the 

Pacific : 
Lord ! Ain't these Naiad Shapes Terrific ? 



coo 144 coo 




>o JO ooa 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE MEETING OF A SOCIAL CLUB 

at Which 

(The Secretary's Minutes Seem to Show) 
Proceedings did Not Go Without a Hitch. 
If you have Ever Been to One, You '11 Know ! 



SMITH 




JONES 



ROBINSON 




Mr. Smith still held the floor the chair objected to the 
motion made by Mr. Jones as being out of order. . . . 
Mr. Robinson, failing to receive his expected support, 
and not being recognized by the chair, dropped out of the discussion, 
there seemed to be a general desire to re-open the subject that had 
been laid upon the table. 

<u?o 14.6 009 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE "INSECT WORLD'S 

A Yellow Journalistic Feat. 



Alarming Beat: 



OVER i t ooo DESTROYED IN KIT-CHEN! 
REINFORCEMENTS TO GO TO THE FRONT! 
GREAT HAVOC WITH SMOKELESS POWDER! 




KIT-CHEN, July 31. A dispatch exclusively to 
cc The Insect World " brings the account of a 
horrible slaughter of more than 1,000 cockroaches 
in the neighborhood of Kit-Chen district. General Beetle, 
advancing toward Wash-Tubdorf was attacked with smokeless 
Buhach powder, and his whole command destroyed. The 
ground was covered with dead and dying and only a few 
of the wounded escaped to carry the news of the terrible 
calamity. The force was in the vicinity of an extensive 
Range, keeping in communication with the Water Pipes, 
near Sinkfontein, when the disaster occurred. 

Reinforcements, now intrenched behind Coal-Scuttle-Kop, 
are about to advance into the Kit-Chen, led by General B. 
Tell of the Seventy-Sixth Black Roaches. The enemy is as 
yet invisible, but it is feared that another attack is imminent. 



000 



I 47 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



A SEMINARY FOR FEMALE SMOKING; 

A Needed Institution This. (No Joking!) 

CURRICULUM: 




FIRST YEAR: THE CIGARETTE. 

Lighting. Plain Smoking. Knocking off Ash. 

Inhalation. Smoking through Nose. The Nicotine Finger. 

Laboratory Work: Rolling. Rice Papers and Corn Husks. 




SECOND YEAR: THE 
CIGAR. 

Sizes : Damas to Perfecto. 
Colors : Claro to Maduro. 
Stogies, Cheroots, and Seconds. 
Laboratory Work: Fillers, 
Binders and Wrappers. 
1480^ 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THIRD YEAR: THE 
PIPE. 

Filling and Packing. 

Clays, Briars, and Meerschaums. 

Water Pipes. 

Laboratory IVork : Coloring and 

Cleaning. Mixtures. 

Literature of Nicotine. 




FOURTH YEAR: POST-GRADUATE 
COURSE. 

Influence of Tobacco upon the Morals. 

Smoke-Vortex-Rings. 

The Peace-Pipe at Afternoon Tease. 

Laboratory Work : Loaded Cigars and Gunpowder Pipes. 

Use and Abuse of Holders. Street Practise. 




coo 149 coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



MISS GULLIVER IN LILLIPUT: 
Don't Say it is a Silly Cut 
I Did it with my Little Hatchet 
You'll Find it Difficult to Match it ! 



i5 



MissGulliver 





Lilliput 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE LITTLE FATHER who Contracted 
A Habit that a Loss Exacted. 




THE elder Mr. Master was a big and bulky man 
Before the queer event that I am telling you began ; 
His only son was Michael, then a little child of four, 
But Michael has n't hardly any father any more ! 



It was little Michael Master, who detected, first of all, 
That his great enormous father was becoming very small ; 
Now I never knew the reason, but I fancy that he shrank 
Because of all the mucilage that Mr. Master drank, 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

Every day, at breakfast time, when Michael tried his dad, 
He found he measured something less than yesterday he had ; 
And still he kept on growing small and smaller every night, 
Till Michael and his father were exactly of a height ! 




There was no Mrs. Master, so the father and the son 

Got on together happily and had a lot of fun ; 

They wore each other's clothing, and they used each other's 

toys, 
They became as really intimate as if they both were boys ! 

But Mr. Master would persist in his eccentric drink, 

So littler and littler did Mr. Master shrink. 

They had to cut his trousers down ; and soon they were afraid 

They 'd have to send to Germany to have his Jaegers made. 

The way he used up hats and shoes and linen shirts and ties ! 
As soon as they had bought them, he would need a smaller size ! 
But everywhere that Michael went, his father went, of course ; 
If Mr, Master could n't walk, he rode on Michael's horse. 

5-00 1 53 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 




The people used to laugh at him, when they went out to walk, 
For Michael's tiny father made an awful lot of talk. 
The little children in the street they always used to cry, 
" 7 would n't have a father who was only two foot high ! " 




000 I 54 0/73 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

But Michael was obedient to all his father told, 
For though his daddy dwindled, he was forty-two years old ! 
And so when Michael misbehaved and tried to bite or scratch, 
His father climbed upon a chair and beat him with a match ! 

One day the Tax Collector called, and till he went away 
The father hid in Michael's bank, because he could n't pay. 
And when to burgle Michael's bank the Tax Collector tried, 
u O, please don't shake the bank ! " said Mike, u my father is 
inside ! " 




One day a big policeman found him crying in the street, 

" Oh, dear ! I 've lost my father !" little Michael did repeat ; 

But ere the Bobby understood, he added with a smile, 

u Oh, here he is ! My dad was in my pocket all the while ! " 

And many other anecdotes do Michael's neighbors tell 
Of this midget Mr. Master and his giant son as well ; 
Of how he swam in saucers and of how he hunted flies ; 
How proud he got to be about his Lilliputian size. 

000 1 55 CGO 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 




And Michael had to build a house to keep his father in, 
A little paper house it was, the walls were very thin ; 
And if the child desired to have the morning to himself, 
He put his father, with a lump of sugar, on the shelf. 

He had to walk across the page and back, to read a book ; 
But he drank a drop of mucilage with every meal he took ! 
And when I last inquired about him, everybody said 
That Michael used a microscope to put his pa to bed ! 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

McGURRY and the YELLOW SUNDAY 

EDITOR: 
Or, How a Pirate Found a Fair Competitor. 




McGURRY was a Pirate, and he sailed the Southern 
Sea, 
And he was about as naughty as a man could 
hope to be; 

He tortured of his prisoners, he married of their wives, 
His crew abode in palpitating terror of their lives. 

He caught a Sunday Editor intent upon a " feature " 
Who let himself be captured, just to interview the creature. 
He asked the gory Pirate, " Are you really very bad ? " 
And McGurry 'gan to simper in a silly way he had. 

" Behold," he said, u my diary, a chronicle of sin ; 
There 's not a single crime I know, I have n't dabbled in ! " 
The Sunday Editor exclaimed, u You need n't have confessed, 
Such petty infamy as this would never interest ! " 

The Sunday Editor escaped and tried another lay, 
And found a lovely scandal in an actress divorcee. 
McGurry, too disconsolate at not achieving glory, 
Became a pious stevedore, which finishes the story. 
coo I 57 coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE GIANT BABY: with an Ending 
Glad, but Somewhat Condescending. 

MISS Anne and Ella Sorrowtop were ladies sweet and 
kind; 
They were charitable, wealthy, educated and 

refined ; 

They never used to turn away a beggar, with a frown ; 
And they lived a quiet life in an exclusive part of town. 
Miss Anne was more indulgent, and the children loved her 

much 

She gave them chocolate lollipops, and peppermints, and such. 
Miss Ella was more practical, and saw about their clothes ; 
Attended to their mittens, and repaired their little hose ; 
For they had no children of their own, and oh, it made them 

sad ; 

So they loved the little children that the other ladies had ! 
And whether they were naughty ones, or whether they were nice, 
As long as they were children, that alone would quite suffice. 

Well, one wild and wintry Wednesday, on returning from a 

call, 

They found a basket on their steps, and heard a little bawl ! 
Miss Anne she nearly fainted, and she said, " What can it be ? " 
Miss Ella was more practical ; she said " We '11 look and see ! " 
And what d' you s'pose the basket held ! It held a baby boy ! 
Miss Anne and Ella Sorrowtop, they nearly died of joy ! 
They took him to the fireplace and got him good and warm, 
For it is n't good for babies to be cradled in a storm. 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



It was a lusty young one, and it kicked, and said, " Ah-Goo ! " 
Which pleased the kind old ladies, so they scarce knew what 

to do. 

They decided to adopt him, and to bring him up by hand; 
And oh, the happy future that the dear old ladies planned ! 
Miss Anne desired 

to name him 

Guy St. Claire 

Philippe ; but no 
Miss Ella was more 

practical, and so 

they called him 

Joe. 
The healthy infant 

grew and grew, 

outgrowing all 

his frocks; 
Till they squandered 

quite a fortune in 

his roundabouts 

and socks. 
They made his 

clothes with many 

tucks, and let them out each week, 

For he was a monstrous infant, when he first began to speak. 
The children loved to play with him at first, but as he grew, 
They got afraid to meet him, and I think that you would too, 
For when he was but two years old, he measured six feet high ! 
He did n't mean to do it, but he made the children cry ; 
For when he fell upon them, it would hurt a little bit, 
So the children hated playing " tag " whenever Joe was " it." 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



Miss Anne and Ella Sorrowtop still tended him with joy, 

Although they saw at last, he was a GIANT baby boy ! 

"If he only would stop growing up ! " Miss Anne would cry 

and fret 
Miss Ella was more practical; 

she said, " He '11 save us, 

yet ! " 

When Joe was very 
little, he was fond 
of pussy-cats ; 
But as he grew enor- 
mous, kittens feared 
his gentle pats. 
So when he grew up 
big enough for kilts 
(with pockets, too), 
Now what d'you think 
that giant baby went 
and tried to do ? 
He found a lovely old 
white horse, and 
broke his halter 
strap, 

He took poor Dobbin's 
harness off, and held 
him in his lap ! 
Miss Anne she nearly died of fright for her adopted son; 
Miss Ella was more practical ; she only said, " What fun ! " 
And so these ladies bought the horse, and let him play with Joe, 
And everywhere that Joey went, the horse was sure to go. 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



Well, Joe was very meek and kind, and tried to be so good ! 
That everybody loved him, when at last they understood. 
Miss Anne was 'fraid his giant parents might return some 

day; 

Miss Ella was more practical; she said, " No, &V, not they ! 
And if they do, what of it ? They will pay us for our care." 
For his food had cost them something he had had the best of 

fare. 

And so the giant baby loomed, the town's gigantic pet ; 
And they talk about his childish pranks with shrieks of laughter 

yet : 

How he tried to help them deck the town upon the First of May, 
And trimmed the spires and steeples, in a most amusing 

way; 
How he stepped upon the courthouse roof, and suddenly fell 

through 

And then got stuck inside the walls and cried about it, too ! 
Of how he swept the streets with trees ; and fell asleep, one 

day, 

And snored a little giant-snore that scared the Mayor away ! 
And better yet, they love to tell of how Miss Anne, of all 
Prim, dignified, old ladies, tried to please him, as a doll ! 
For dolls are most expensive, when they have to be so great, 
And Joey wanted one so much she could not hesitate. 
She dressed herself in pink and white, she gazed a doll-like 

stare, 

And let him carry her around, a hundred feet in air ! 
She ejaculated " Papa ! " and she sweetly closed her eyes, 
When Joey held her in his arms adjacent to the skies. 
For she loved her darling Jo-boy, spite of all his giant pranks ; 
Miss Ella was more practical ; she only said, " No, thanks I " 

C<50 l62 000 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



Well, what this infant would have done, if he had only stayed, 
I hardly dare to tell you, or of all the games he played. 
But, one stupid, snowy Sunday, on returning from a call, 
The Misses Sorrowtop they found he was n't there at all ! 
They hunted in the pasture, where he always used to play, 
They hunted in the old red barn, and in his bed of hay, 
They hunted all the woods about, and on the river shore, 
But they never found their giant baby ever any more ! 
But in their great front parlor, which was shabby, now, and old, 
Whatever do you s'pose they found ? Just heaps and heaps of 

gold ! 
They 'd spent a fortune on ehe child, and they had grown so 

poor 

That this the giant parents left to pay them, to be sure ! 
Miss Anne she cried like everything, for she was sweet and 

kind ; 
Miss Ella was more practical ; she said, " Oh, never mind ! " 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE BANKRUPT BABE: or How the Pride 
Of Wealth is Sometimes Misapplied. 

THE little Bunny Toddlekins, he was his father's joy ; 
" He was, he was, he so he was, a cunnin' 'ittle boy." 
Ah, little Bunny Toddlekins was very strict indeed ! 
He held his pa responsible for fuel, clothes, and feed, 
And if his clothing did n't fit (he wore a swaddling suit), 
Or if he found his milk too thin, he called his pa a brute ! 




And if the fire was smoky, he would use an epigram 
His childish prattle usually commencing with a u Damn." 
To his mother he was very kind, he taught her all he knew ; 
And she subsequently wrote a book : " The Infant's Point 

of View." 

Now little Bunny's income was a penny every week, 
Which his father had allowed him, since he first began to speak. 
coo 165 ooo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

(I mean when Bunny first began and not his pa, of course !) 

And he kept his money (Bunny's) in a little shiny Bourse. 

His Bank was small and beautiful, and built of solid tin ; 

The chimney had a little hole to slip the pennies in j 

The fact they could be shaken out, ne'er entered Bunny's pate, 

Until his father burgled it but I anticipate. 

The baby's wealth accumulated, growing every week, 

For Bunny was an avaricious baby, so to speak. 

He never bought a stick of candy, never bought a tart ; 

In fact, to spend a penny almost broke the baby's heart. 

His father called him stingy, and his mother called him mean ! 

But what did little Bunny care ? He did n't care a bean ! 

At last his hoard had grown so large, from pennies into pence, 

That every time he shook his Bank, he rattled twenty cents ! 

His father used to finger it with jealousy and greed, 

For the elder Mr. Toddlekins was very poor indeed ! 

The elder Mr. Toddlekins, he speculated too ; 

He was a wicked banker and you know what banktrs do ! 

He dabbled in " Consolidated," plunged in Winter Wheat, 

Until he was the laughing-stock of all upon the Street. 

He played the " Jersey Limited," and there at last was broke ; 

And being fleeced upon Exchange is quite a nasty joke ! 

Whatever could a banker do, but borrow of his son ? 

But Bunny now was obdurate, and would n't lend his mon. 

The elder Mr. Toddlekins, he shuddered, as disgrace 

And ruin dire, and poverty, they stared him in the face ! 

He packed his leather dressing-case, he took a comb or two, 

A nighty and a tooth-brush, and a collar (almost new) ; 

For his soul was black and wicked ; he had steeled his heart to sin ; 

And be burgled little Bunny's Bank, the little Bank of tin !!! 

VOH 1 66 coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

He took it very carefully, and held it upside down, 

He caught the pennies in his lap, and then he skipped the town ! 

He took a train to Canada, beginning life anew, 

And corresponded with his wife, at least a year or two. 

But little Bunny in his cradle, never waked or stirred, 

For paregoric in his milk had made his dreams absurd ! 

He thought he heard it thunder ('t was the pennies rattling out), 

And he did n't know until too late, what it was all about ! 

So now he is a bankrupt, and a pauper baby boy, 

And he lives in an Asylum an existence minus joy. 

His darling mother visits him in silence every week ; 

For Bunny ne'er forgave her, so they never, never speak ! 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE BOHEMIANS OF BOSTON and their Ways; 
A Memory of the Jacobean Craze. 

THE " Orchids " were as tough a crowd 
As Boston anywhere allowed ; 
It was a club of wicked men 
The oldest, twelve, the youngest, ten ; 
They drank their soda colored green, 




They talked of Art '* and Philistine," 
They wore buff " wescoats " and their hair, 
It used to make the waiters stare ! 
They were so shockingly behaved 
And Boston thought them so depraved, 

000 I 69 000 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



Policemen, stationed at the door, 
Would raid them every hour or 

more! 
They used to smoke (!) and laugh 

out loud (!) 

They were a very devilish crowd ! 
They formed a Cult, far subtler, 

brainier, 

Than ordinary Anglomania, 
For all as Jacobites were reckoned, 
And gayly toasted Charles the 

Second ! 
(What would the Bonnie Charlie 

say 

If he could see that crowd to-day ?) 
Fitz-Willieboy McFlub- 

adub 

Was Regent of the Orchid's Club 
A wild Bohemian was he, 
And spent his money fast and 

free. 

He thought no more of spend- 
ing dimes 
On some debauch of pickled 

limes, 
Than you would think of 

spending nickels 
To buy a pint of German 

pickles ! 

The Boston maiden passed 
him by 





THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



With sidelong glances of her eye, 
She dared not speak (he was so wild), 
Yet worshipped this Lotharian child. 
Fitz-Willieboy was so blase, 
He burned a Transcript up, one day ! 
The Orchids fash- 
ioned all their 
style 

On Flubadub's 
infernal guile. 
That awful Boston 
oath was his, 
He used to jac- 
ulate, "Gee- 
Whiz ! " 

He showed them 
that immoral 
haunt, 
The dirty Chinese 

Restaurant, 
And there they 'd 

find him, even when 
It got to be as late as ten ! 
He ate chopped suey (with a fork), 
You should have heard the villain talk 
Of one reporter that he knew (!) 
An artist, and an actor, too ! ! ! 
The orchids went from bad to worse, 
Made epigrams attempted verse ! 
Boston was horrified and shocked 
To hear the way these Orchids mocked, 
coo 171 GOO 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

For they made fun of Boston ways, 

And called good men Provincial Jays ! 

The end must come to such a story, 

Gone is the wicked Orchids' glory, 

The room was raided by police, 

One night, for breaches of the Peace 

(There had been laughter, long and loud, 

In Boston this is not allowed), 

And there, the sergeant of the squad 

Found awful evidence, my God ! 

Fitz-Willieboy McFlubadub, 

The Regent of the Orchids' Club, 

Had written on the window sill, 

This shocking outrage " Beacon H // / " 




000 IJ2 000 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

WHANG AND YAK: an a la Carte 
Dinner, with a Counterpart. 

THERE was once a Lady Ogress who was all of a 
vicious violet, and very villanous of temper. The 
little boys loved her because she could stick out her 
tongue three quarters of a mile ; the little girls despised her 
because she always wore the same dress ; the grown up folk 
were much annoyed at her because she would have little chil- 
dren for dinner on Fridays. To be sure, they also had little 
children at the table, but the Lady Ogress had them on the 
table fried. How their little bodies browned ! How their 
little legs and arms curled up ! It was immensely unpleasant. 

Now the name of the Lady Ogress was Whang, and she 
lived up in the Hard Mountains all day, and at night she slept 
in the bed of the River Flo. In this way she avoided washing 
herself, and her feet were very large and horrible. 

Well, there was a little boy there named Yak. He was 
nearly as big as you, but no bigger. He was very ugly for 
his age, and stronger and cleverer than most. But though he 
was ugly, Yak was a very sweet child ; so sweet, in fact that 
Whang was very anxious to eat him. 

But Yak was not at all an easy child to eat. He would 
often come down to the border of the River Flo to see the 
Lady Ogress as she lay in the stream, with her hair damming 
up the water above her head, her feet very large and horrible, 
and he would cry, " Whang, Whang ! Stick out your 
tongue ! " and she, anxious to please him, that she might get 
him to dinner for a Friday, would stick out her tongue for 
three quarters of a mile, more or less ; possibly more, but no 
less. 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

" Come up to the table lands to dine with me, Yak," 
implored the Lady Ogress. " Come any day j come Friday." 

" I '11 not come on a Friday, but I '11 come on a Monday. 
What do you have for dinner on Mondays ? " said Yak. 

u Harlequin ices, so cold, so cold ; also creamed snow- 
flakes," said Whang. 

On Monday, then, and it was a merry Monday at that, 
with all manner of little yellow birds singing in a skyful of 
sun, up went Yak into the Hard Mountains to dine with 
Whang. The Lady Ogress froze her ices in a crawling 
glacier on Mount Terror, and the snapping, stinging cold of 
the avalanches made her all of a vicious violet, and very vil- 
lanous of temper. But she was good to Yak, and gay to 
Yak, and very mild and meek to Yak, that she might get him 
there for a Friday. Still her feet were very large and 
horrible. 

So they fed and they feasted till they were full ; and after 
they were all through the Lady Ogress smiled and smiled, so 
strange, so strange, that it was almost impossible. " And how 
do you like my harlequin ice ? " said she. 

" It is too cold," said Yak, although he had hidden all he 
could n't eat in his wallet when her back hair was turned. 

" Ah, but it is not as cold as you are," said Whang, " for 
you won't come on a Friday." 

"I '11 not come on a Friday, but I '11 come on a Tuesday. 
What do you have on Tuesdays ? " said Yak. 

" Yam pudding, so hot, so hot ; also honeysuckle pie," said 
Whang. 

So up went Yak into the Hard Mountains on Tuesday to 
dine with Whang. It was a terrible Tuesday, cold trimmed 
with icicles and hoar frost, under a gray sky, pied all over 
coo 174 <*^ 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

with clouds. It was a great day for sea gulls and Polar bears. 
The Lady Ogress cooked her meals in a volcano beside 
Mount Terror, near the glacier, and the heat of the fire made 
her all of a vicious violet, and very villanous of temper. But 
she tried to be sweet to Yak, and soft to Yak, and very kind 
and cordial to Yak, that she might get him there for a Friday. 
But her feet were very large and horrible. 

So they sat down and ate and ate and ate, till all the crows 
wondered if there would be anything left for them. u And 
how do you like my yam pudding ? " said Whang. 

u It is too hot," said Yak ; but nevertheless he had put away 
a good slice of it in his wallet to cool. 

" Ah, but it is not so hot as your temper," said Whang, 
u for you will not come on a Friday." 

u I '11 not come on a Friday, but I '11 come on a Wednes- 
day. What do you have on a Wednesday ? " said Yak. 

" Pickled whelks, so sour, so sour ; also green gooseberries," 
said Whang. 

So Yak went up on Wednesday to see how he liked her 
Wednesday dinner, he and his wallet with him, swinging at 
his side; a red wallet, a long wallet, a wallet that looked like 
the scabbard of an axe. 

It was a wild Wednesday, sure enough. It rained all over, 
it coughed spatters, and it sneezed a drizzling spray, so that 
the little fishes in the sea congratulated each other and rubbed 
their noses together. Now the Lady Ogress did most of her 
pickling and h<;r potting and her preserving over beyond the 
glacier, around a corner of Mount Terror, a little west of the 
volcano, in a narrow canon, through which the storms swept 
so savagely that the sting of the sleet made her all of a vicious 
violet, and very villanous of temper. But she thought it best 
000 176 coo 




coe 12 coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



to dissemble and so she was fine to Yak, and friendly to Yak, 
and very hospitable and hearty to Yak, that she might get him 
there for a Friday. But her feet were very large and horrible. 

So they devoured so many whelks and green gooseberries, 
that they have never cared for any more since. And when 
they were well stuffed the Lady Ogress said, u And how do 
you like my pickled whelks, Yak ? " 

" They are too sour," said Yak ; but, mind you, they were 
not so bad but that he had snipped up half a pint to hide in his 
wallet. 

" Ah, but they are not so sour as you are, that will not come 
and dine with me on a Friday," said Whang. 

" I '11 not come on a Friday, but I '11 come on a Thursday," 
said Yak. " What do you have on Thursdays ? " 

u Chocolate pasties, so sweet, so sweet ; also frosted pista- 
chios," said Whang. 

So Yak went up into the dinner table lands in the Hard 
Mountains again. It was a thundering Thursday, that 
Thursday, dry as an old book, and the wind blew at the rate 
of three hundred miles an hour, more or less ; possibly more, 
but no less. It blew him right up hill, he and all the birds 
with him. The snakes were the only animals that could crawl 
south on that day, and this they did, for no reason whatsoever, 
except to show off. Now Whang sugared her bon-bons on 
the slope of a snowy hillside, beyond the volcano, just north 
of the glacier on Mount Terror, handy to the canon, and the 
whipping of the hurricane made her all of a vicious violet, 
and very villanous of temper. But she was very smug to 
Yak, and smooth to Yak, and very amiable and affectionate 
to Yak, that she might get him there for a Friday. But her 
feet were very large and horrible. 

coo 178 <u?o 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



They gobbled and gorged at that wonderful dinner, Whang 
and Yak, till they had eaten almost as much as they did on 
Wednesday but not quite. And then the Lady Ogress 
said, " And how do you like my chocolate pasties ? " 

" They are too sweet," said Yak, though he had seven in 
his wallet, against to-morrow. 

"Ah, but they're not so sweet as you 9 II be, Yak, if you'll 
only come on a Friday, Yak ; look at this, Yak." And Whang 
stuck out her tongue three quarters of a mile ; possibly more, 
but no less, and smiled painfully. 

This 1 pleased Yak, and he said, a Well, I '11 come on a 
Friday. What do you have on Fridays?" He knew well 
that on Fridays the Lady Ogress dined on fried babies on 
toast, but he had an idea. 

u If you '11 promise to come," said Whang, " I '11 have 
something that is both cold and hot, and both sour and sweet." 

" All right, then," said Yak, " I '11 come on a Friday." 

It was a fair Friday, full of sunshine and clouds in the 
proper proportion, when Yak went up into the Hard Moun- 
tains again. It did not blow, and it did not rain, and all 
manner of little animals were out of doors enjoying themselves. 
The worms and the moles and the gophers and prairie dogs 
came up out of the ground to see Yak as he passed by. The 
foolish fishes stuck their heads out of the water and yelled 
" Hurrah ! " The birds circled around him as he went on, 
and they wondered at his courage and ugliness. 

The Lady Ogress was busy with a huge frying pan by the 
side of a big precipice, a million miles high more or less; 
possibly more, but no less. 

"Hello! "said Whang, and "Hello!" said Yak. Then 
they sat down. 

coo 179 100 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



" What are you going to have for dinner to-day ? " said 
Yak. 

" I 've told you already, something that 's hot and cold, and 
sour and sweet," said Whang, " but if you '11 guess, you may 
have my share." 

" Well, I 've brought that for my own dinner in my red, 
long wallet, my wallet like the scabbard of an axe," Yak 
said, " and if you can guess what it is, you may have my 
share." 

"In your wallet?" cried the Lady Ogress. "If it's in 
your wallet, then I can't guess what it is." 

"Then it's all mine," said Yak, and he emptied out his 
wallet, his red wallet, his long wallet, his wallet like the scab- 
bard of an axe, and began to eat. " Here 's some harlequin 
ice ; and that 's cold." So he ate that. " Here 's some 
yam pudding ; and that 's hot." So he ate that. " Here 's 
some pickled whelks ; and they J re sour." So he ate those. 
" And here 's some chocolate pasty ; and that 's sweet ! " So 
he ate that. 

" Well, that 's awfully clever, I must say," said Whang ; 
" but now let 's see you guess what 7 am going to have for 
dinner this Friday." 

" Oh, you were going to eat me, for I am hot, and I am 
cold, and I am sour, and I am sweet, since I came on a 
Friday. Is that right ? " 

" Yes," said the Lady Ogress. 

" Then I have won your share, and you may n't eat me," 
said Yak. 

" But I am always very, very hungry on a Friday, and I 
must eat something" said Whang. 

" Eat yourself," said Yak. 

C00 I 8O C<73 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



" I will," said the mortified Ogress, and she began sadly to 
eat herself up, beginning with the toes of her feet which were 
very large and horrible. 

When she was completely devoured Yak got up and pushed 
her over the edge of the big precipice. 

Then Yak left the edge of the big precipice, walked along 
the slope of the snowy hillside through the narrow canon 
below the volcano of Mount Terror, crossed the crawling 
glacier bearing his red wallet, his long wallet, his wallet like 
the scabbard of an axe till he got home. The next day was 
Saturday a serene and satisfactory Saturday for Yak indeed. 
Yes, indeed ! 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

LITTLE TOTSY'S TRAGEDY: a Grim, 
Pessimistic, Morbid Sort of Whim. 

THE little Totsy Toddledrop was but three years old 
when her widowed mother died, leaving her to the 
mercies of the bitter world. Though her father 
had been an accomplished Gonoff, vice, intemperance, or sin 
had left no mark upon the youthful face of the tiny Totsy, 
for she was as innocent as a new-laid egg and unskilled in 
infamy. In spite of her years and hardships Totsy's life had 
been horribly sweet and pure, and great men, stooping to kiss 
this little waif of the streets, burst into tears at her youth, her 
beauty, and her sad tale of misfortunes, called her " angel " 
and passed on. 

But Totsy could not live on kisses of indulgent old gentle- 
men ; her three years had taught her that they were indigest- 
ible and innutritious ; they were sweet and hearty, but they did 
not sustain. And little Totsy grew more frail upon these 
delicacies, longing for death. 

It was many, many weeks since she had tasted food, when, 
one day, while sitting upon the steps of the police station, 
Totsy saw a man brought in, held by two, three, four, five 
policemen. He struggled fiercely in their embraces, and 
talked a wild language polysyllabic, guttural so strange 
that the little child could not understand its import. 

" Ah, he is hungry, too ! " thought the little Totsy, as she 
placed a wan, thin hand upon her little empty tummy. And 
her eyes filled. 

Timidly she followed the hullabaloo as it swept up to the 
magistrate's desk. With eyes of wonder she heard the case 
ooo I 82 coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



discussed, but when the sentence was given two months in 
the workhouse she broke down and wept uncomfortably. 

" Two months ! " she cried to the officer by the door, "and 
do they eat there at the workhouse ? " 

" Well, I guess yes," said the copper. 

But little Totsy Toddledrop had fainted. 

When she came to, with a pronounced brunette taste of 
whiskey in her 
mouth (and, in- 
deed, as far down 
as her little worn 
belt), she staggered 
up to the judge. 

"Oh, Mister 
Man," she wailed, 
" send me, too, to 
the workhouse ! " 

" But you have 
committed no 
crime," cried the 
magistrate. 

"A crime? 
What is that which it is, which it is what ? " appealed the 
child, whose great-great-grandfather had been a St. Louis 
Frenchman. So she, too, had eight and one half per cent of 
Creole blood. 

" Go, little girl, and commit a felony." 

" But I am so weak, so weak ! " cried the miserable baby, 
" might not a misdemeanour suffice ? " 

"Well, we Ml see, we '11 see," said the old man, indulgently. 
" Now run away and try to be bad." 

c/20 183 coo 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



" Oh, sir, you are so kind to me," wept the dainty child ; 
" may I not call you papa ? It will not cost you a cent," she 
added. 

The magistrate, remembering his six little daughters at 
home, and that he had promised to buy them theatre tickets 
for that night, left hurriedly. 

" What it is ? " cried Totsy, very wildly. 
"What it is which is crime? Oh, I am 
too young for murder ! " 

But the little Totsy would try ; she would 
be brave and at least attempt to slaughter a 
man, for homicide was all she knew of 
crime. 

A man and a woman passed. Which 
should she try ? 

She decided on the man. Men had 
always been kind to her, and he would be 
kind now. Women had always told her 
that her face was dirty. 

She boldly attacked the man. 
But what could a young child (only three 
years of age and unused to mayhem of any kind), do to a 
stock-broker, trained in the wheat pit ? 

She swung her tiny fist against his knee-cap, but she never 
touched him. With her little feeble jaw she bit him in the 

leg. 

He did not even notice it. 

" My God ! " she cried aloud. 

The man, who was a good man, stopped. 

u Excuse me, sir," said the Totsy, " but have you a pocket 
knife?" 

coo I 84 *&* 




THE BUROESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

" Yes, my child," replied the gentleman ; " why do you 
ask ? " 

By this time the infant was weeping again. She always 
wept in an emergency. She was very young, but she had 
learned that much. 

" Boo hoo ! " she cried. " Oh, Mister, for the love of 
dinner, let me murder you. It is my only hope," she added, 
thinking he was about to give in. 

But the man only laughed and passed on. " Certainly 
not," he whispered. 

" Not to oblige a lady ? " implored Totsy. 

u No, madam ! " he said, rudely. " It is absurd." 

Little Totsy crept forlornly back to the police station. The 
magistrate had returned to borrow a cigar. 

u What hope is there for such as I ? No one will let me 
murder him or her ! " and again she turned on the battery of 
her tears. 

"Try again, said the officer, kindly; "there is always 
burglary." 

u Oh, indeed, I can learn to burgle I will try so hard," 
said the little one. She went home and hunted the sidewalks 
for some chance gumdrop to sustain life till she should have 
sinned. Her search was at last rewarded, and she lived for 
ten days upon the morsel, till at last it dissolved, and sank 
mucilaginously past her epiglottis. 

Meanwhile she had borrowed a jimmy from a young gentle- 
man friend, proceeded up Madison Avenue and selected a fit 
theatre for her little act. 

She stopped at No. XXVY and rang the bell. It was now 
about 3.23 A.M. It was dark, but not too dark. 

It was the beautiful but exclusive Mrs. de Goldbrick van 
c-oo 185 coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



Pastenbury that protruded her yellow head from a third story 
window and cried down to Totsy what did she want ? 

u Please let me in, for I have come to burgle your house," 
pleaded the little innocent orphan, who in her childish heart 
thought she was carrying out her part with immense verve 
and consummate tact. 

The lady seemed much touched. But she only smiled, 
threw a kiss to the child, drew down the window sash and 

resumed her toilet. 

Little Totsy beat 
against the front door 
with her jimmy. Her 
efforts dented the varnish, 
but were otherwise in- 
adequate. Had she only 
thought to attack the plate 
glass, she would by now 
have been a little sister 
of the workhouse. So 
near success lies to failure. 
But it never occurred to her. 

Why narrate her further attempts at infamy ? Try as she 
might, she could not be felonious. Her innocent face betrayed 
her every time she tried to appear depraved. Paying tellers 
only laughed at her when she asked them to cash forged checks. 
She tried her Lilliputian hand at arson, but without avail, for 
her matches would go out. She was too little for shop-lifting. 
Step by step she fell to lower levels of vice and did not 
recoil at even an ordinary misdemeanour. She rode her little 
bicycle at night without a light and the policemen only guyed 
her. Was the whole world against her ? 
coo I 86 coo 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



She smoked cigarettes in the elevated trains and horny- 
handed, leathern-lunged guards went forward and back, met 
one another and nudged elbows and said : u How cunning ! 
So like my darling little one at home !" 

She refused to pay her fare upon the cable cars, and was 
allowed to ride upon the front platform. She learned to swear 
in dialect, but it was no use. 

The rest was too awful ! 

One day the end came ! Totsy was 
desperate. Two months without food 
had driven her to virtue. No little girl, 
though she be a fiend in human shape, 
can long withstand the temptations of 
hunger, cold, and misery. A beautiful 
shop-lady came to her one day and 
painted to little Totsy the seductions 
of a life as a cash girl in a department 
store, and in despair of ever attaining 
the blessed shelter of the workhouse, 
Totsy accepted a position at one dollar- 
a week at Wandermere's, where, clad 
in black cambric and brass side-combs, 
and with a pencil stuck in her hair, she may now be found at 
the scented soap department, third aisle to the right. 

Let us not judge little Totsy too harshly. Though she is 
shunned and despised by petty larcenists and criminals, as well 
as by the most exclusive crooks in the profession, may it not 
be that in spite of the virtuous life with which she is sur- 
rounded, there may be still some small spark of vice slumber- 
ing in her little rosy soul that may some time wake and make 
her interesting, if not famous ? 

coo 187 coo 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE UNIT OF PLEASURE : Describing the 

Quest 
Philosophy made, to Investigate Zest. 

THERE was once a scientist, a learned but unwise 
old pedant, who had a passion for original investi- 
gation. Being, however, a student of these latter 
days, he cursed his predecessors for having left him so little 
to discover, till one day, looking out upon the world through 
his concave lenses, he noticed that there was, after all, one 
thing still lacking in the domain of psychology. In his re- 
view of the phenomena of emotion, ranging from anguish on 
the one hand to beatitude on the other, the fact came home to 
him that there was no standard of sensation by which any 
given experience might be measured. 

Here, then, was the opportunity of his life to determine 
a u Unit of Pleasure " in terms of which all sensation could 
be quantitatively described ; not only pleasant emotions, but 
pain as well, since pain is but the negative aspect of the same 
quality. It would facilitate exact thought, he reflected, to 
adopt some such gauge, by means of which, for instance, a 
father, questioning his daughter's enjoyment of her first ball, 
might kindle with pride to find that his debutante had experi- 
enced fully thirty-seven units of pleasure; or the mother, 
bending over her ailing son, might hear with relieved anxiety 
that his suffering did not exceed 18-735. 

To this task, then, the old scientist bent his efforts, and as 
his own passions had long since grown wan and colourless, he 
ventured from his laboratory to seek data outside. 

Now the first person he met was a small boy, who was 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



gazing in at the windows of a confectioner's shop. The old 
man, after a somewhat prolix explanation, succeeded in bring- 
ing the scheme of his analysis within the sphere of the lad's 
comprehension and pressed him for a suggestion for the pro- 
posed Unit of Pleasure. 

The boy, who had not removed his eyes from the shop- 
window, said at 
last : 

"It seems to me 
that I should adopt 
as a unit one spoon- 
ful of ice-cream." 

" Very good," re- 
plied the scientist. 
" Suppose we inves- 
tigate, then, along 
the lines of that 
assumption. Now, 
according to your 
standard, what 
would be the ap- 
proximate amount 
to-day ? " 

The boy thought a little longer, and then said, " Well, if I 
were sure of having plenty of bites, I think it would be worth 
about twenty-seven units of pleasure." 

"You are a good child," pleasantly remarked the indulgent 
old man, " and so, in return for your valuable assistance, I will 
give you your choice of either twenty-eight spoonfuls of ice- 
cream, or a half-holiday in which to fish with the beautiful 
rod and line in that window." 

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pleasure to you in going fishing 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



The boy, consistently with his first estimate, chose the ice- 
cream, and the two went into the shop. After the delicacy 
had been consumed, and while the boy was licking his plate 
and the corners of his mouth, the old man took out his note- 
book and remarked : 

" Let me be sure of my data, my son, before I leave you. 

Let me see : I believe 
that, adopting one spoon- 
ful of ice-cream as a unit, 
the pleasure in going 
fishing is equivalent to 
twenty-seven units." 

" I expect, perhaps, 
it 's a good deal more 
than that, after all," 
said the boy. 

u But you said you 
preferred twenty-eight 
spoonfuls of ice-cream 
to going fishing ! " the 
old man cried, raising 
his voice. 

" But I don't want no more ice-cream ! " said the boy. 
" I 've had enough," and, seeing there was little more to be 
gained from the interview, he was ofF, whistling through his 
teeth. 

" I certainly cannot adopt as a unit a pleasure which 
diminishes in value through indulgence," said the old man to 
the confectioner, who had been an amused spectator of the 
experiment, and he went up the street. 

The next person he met was a true-lover, full of the fire of 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

poetical sentiment and burning with the professional emotions 
of his trade. This youth listened as patiently as lovers used 
to the vagaries of the ancient, and when the presentment of 
the theory was accomplished, he spoke up gallantly, and said : 

" The kiss is your true unit of pleasure ! " and he seemed 
not to care who might hear ; " a kiss from one's true-love is 
the supreme pleasure ! " 

" It is not the maximum that I am trying to determine," 
interrupted the scientist with irritation, u yet we may let that 
go, as a lover's trope. But tell me for I know little of 
sweethearting have you by chance ever kissed your mis- 
tress as many as twelve times ? " 

The stripling burst into laughter at this absurdity, and when 
he was calmer he cried : " By chance marry, no ! But 
twelve times twelve kisses have I had this day, nor half 
enough not yet, either ! " 

" Well, well, well ! " the old man ejaculated. " But tell 
me, how did the pleasure in the one hundred and forty-fourth 
kiss compare with that of the first ? Was it more, or less ? " 

" It was more far, far more ! " the young man cried 
for, as I said, he was a true-lover " and the more I kiss my 
sweetheart the more I long to kiss again ! " 

This sort of constancy, however, was lost on the scientist. 
" I fear I must adopt a different unit, since yours is a variable, 
increasing when multiplied ! " and he went back to his labora- 
tory in disgust at his investigations. 

For a while he gave up all hope of establishing a constant 
unit of pleasure, till one day a singer, having heard of his 
distress, came to him and suggested that the amount of pleas- 
ure given by hearing some certain song might well be em- 
ployed for the old man's purpose. 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



The scientist knew nothing whatever of music, but the 
idea caught his fancy, and the two spent an afternoon very 
pleasantly together, discussing various ballads, which the 
singer rendered in a marvellously agreeable tenor voice. The 
scientist, however, was surprised and disappointed to discover 
that not even the pleasure in any one song was a constant 

quantity ; for, while some 
pleased him at first 
only to grow paltry and 
commonplace upon repe- 
tition there were others 
that sounded incompre- 
hensible at the first hear- 
ing, but these the tenor 
usually insisted upon re- 
singing until the old man 
discovered in them more 
and more beautiful nuances 
and harmonies, so subtle 
and pleading as to call ever 
more clearly to his soul. 

Yet, plainly, a form of 
pleasure which varied between such wide limits could not be 
inserted as a constant in any equation of joy. 

And so, since all subsequent trials but afforded cases analo- 
gous to those of the boy, the lover and the singer, according 
as the physical, the spiritual, or the mental nature of the wit- 
ness was dominant, the old scientist gave up the quest, and 
published a brochure upon the thesis that all pleasure was a 
function of temperament, as modified by appetite, and, calm 
In the satisfaction of this discovery, of which the whole world 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

had long been conversant, he lived his days until the last great 
sensation came to him. 

As he lay upon his death-bed, surrounded by the Fellows 
of the Philosophical Society, one, sitting by him, said sadly : 

u The Professor's feet are already cold ; he is dying ! " 

At these words a heavenly radiance illumined the old man's 
face, and he attempted to speak : u I have it, at last ! " he 
cried ; " the true unit, the only constant unit of pleasure, is 
Death ! " And he passed away, with a smile on his lips. 

" His end is a triumph and a justification of his theory," 
said the President of the Philosophical Society, as he composed 
the features of the corpse. " Yet, how useless is this discovery 
to Science ! If Death is the one constant unalterable sensa- 
tion, whether positive or negative, it must be infinitely great 
and mathematics does not permit the use of infinity as a unit ! ' 




coo 13 cos 



G00 



-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

A FABLE FOR MUSICIANS: Read it, 
And if you See the Moral, Heed it ! 

JOHN COUNTERPOINT was mad. It is no new 
thing for a musician to be accounted insane by his 
friends (and by other musicians), but the symptoms of 
the alienation of John Counterpoint's mind were various and 
interesting. The madness of your ordinary musician is not 
so, consisting mainly in a rise of inner pride and a fall of 
outer scorn. 

John had filled every post in the orchestra. He had lungs 
for the trombone, nerves for the violin, lips for the flute, and 
muscles for the drums, as well as that nice adjustment of the 
mind which is absolutely necessary for the rendering of the 
subtle triangle. He was, in short, all things to all instru- 
ments. His soul was poised, yet rhythmic, and he copied 
scores with neatness and accuracy. 

It was the surprising technical proficiency that he possessed 
which finally unhinged John Counterpoint's mind. Music 
came to mean to him mathematics rather than philosophy, 
and a discord offended him as the square root of a minus 
quantity offends an algebraist. Truly there are surds in 
music, as there are affected quadratics in harmony. John's 
dream was to square the musical circle ; to reduce the whole 
world to its greatest common multiple, as one might say, 
speaking mathematico-musically ; to orchestrate the universe. 

Musicians agreed with him that the world's voices were 
badly correlated and the ensemble was musically poor. They 
did not think of the possibility of there being a higher mathe- 
matics of music, a musical calculus, a non-Wagnerian har- 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

mony, to which they had not yet grown, which might explain 
the thunder-storm motif and distinguish its permutation in 
the yapping of a dachshund. But musicians, as a rule, have 
forsworn thinking; it is theirs to feel. 

And so when John Counterpoint would grow white with 
terror if two men coughed in non-related keys, his fellows 
smiled, and said, " Poor old John, how he must suffer in this 
noisy world ! " But they were partly wrong, for John was 
no fool, though he was a musician ; he was only mad. His 
mind had soared far above the petty distractions that agitate 
the third-rate artist. He chafed no more at solo perform- 
ances ; it was with him a question of harmony, not melody. 
The popular song pouff^f John's philosophic ear over- 
heard all its obvious phrases, all its crude sequences, all its 
inevitable intervals ; he idealized it, reset it in some abstruse 
key of his mind, and heard it glorified, a type of what might 
be. No sound was to him a mere noise, but an element. 
Upon his musical palette he could mix the crude colours of 
vibration and extort pleasure from the squeak of a rusty hinge. 
He was mad. If a barrel organ was not actually out of tune 
he could not only endure, but encourage it. He could enjoy 
one bagpipe, but not two. 

John's idea was first to create a musical nucleus in his own 
home, and then expand the circumference of harmony, prose- 
lytize and legislate, until the whole country beat in time to 
his mad theories. Like many musicians, the centre of his 
home was the dining-room. John's house was old, and in 
the dining-room floor were seven squeaky planks, over which 
the butler carried in, every day, John's dinner. 

The old man for John was now old and rich, very rich 
for a musician always waited in an agony for this moment, 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



dreading to hear the badly composed series of squeaks that the 
butler's footsteps would make as he walked. Every day, 
after dinner, John got down on his hands and knees and 
played upon the planks as if they were the keys of some stu- 
pendous organ. In fact, John, recognizing that his floor was 
some strange new musical instrument that he must learn to 

play, called it a stupend ; 
hence " stupendous." 

One day the butler 
entered as usual, stag- 
gering under the burden 
of a huge joint, and as 
he tottered to the table, 
John heard the divine in- 
tervals of the Wagnerian 
Wotan motif, as if the 
Wanderer had entered, 
plunging downward with 
his spear. The butler, 
startled by a cat that had 
entered, had looked round, 
taking a pair of eighth 
and one quarter steps before proceeding. 

The servant was instructed and practised, and was never 
allowed to enter the room in any other way, John conducting 
the motif with a fork. This was the beginning. 

From this the harmony spread. John was awakened one 
morning by the sound of hammers. Carpenters had begun to 
build a shed in the yard, and nails were entering the boards 
with cacophonous percussion. In an instant old Counter- 
point was outside in his night-shirt, leading the men with his 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



conductor's baton. By careful training he succeeded in 
arranging their work so that the notes of the nails at each 
stroke composed with the vibrations of other nails, and all 
day the chorus of harmony floated from the shed, tinkling like 
a beautiful shower. Shed after shed was thus built to satisfy 
John Counterpoint's craving for new musical harmonies. 

All his doors were 
next rehung, tuned, 
adjusted, so that the 
progress from room 
to room was regis- 
tered by a succes- 
sion of augmented 
ninths as one after 
another slammed. 
The servants were 
directed to slam the 
doors. They would 
have slammed them, 
anyway. 

It was the Count- 
erpoint front fence 
that was John's greatest trial. Boys passed and repassed, and 
never by any chance did one forget to drag a stick across 
the pickets. John's madness had so far confined itself to 
internal reform. It was time to commence extraterritorial 
proceedings. 

Day after day he sat upon his veranda, writhing at the 

harsh rattle of sticks against his palings. He made, however, 

no attempt to reform the boys ; it was the pickets that gave 

offence. He hoped, in time, so to adjust the world that, were 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



it peopled entirely with small boys, all sounds would yet be 
musical and well composed. 

At last John had an inspiration. He would make the 
fence a xylophone and arrange the pickets so that when a 
small boy's stick was drawn across them it would rattle out a 
pleasant melody. This was easily accomplished, and often of a 
sunny afternoon John Counterpoint might be seen seated upon 

his veranda wait- 
ing for the next 
performer. His 
xylophonic palings 
became famous 
for leagues about. 
They were set for 
a little air from 
Mozart's " Sere- 
nade," so cun- 
ningly devised that 
even when played 

backward the tune was not unpleasant. 
But by this time John's madness had become more violent. 
He began to have wilder fancies. He could not see a man 
with three days' growth of beard upon his cheeks without 
being reminded of the prickly cylinder of a music-box, and he 
would lose himself in thought, speculating upon what tune 
the bristles would produce if the man's head were revolved 
across the teeth of a musical comb. He tried to experiment 
upon the butler, who objected, and gave notice. 

The telegraph wires about the house next aroused John's 
interest, and he planned to adjust them so they would act as 
./Eolian harps. From this he was diverted by the howling of 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



his terrier, and he established a kennel of dogs and tried to 
train them to bark in minor chords. His roosters were care- 
fully selected so as to crow in harmony. He had the middle 
tines of his table forks removed, and all his cutlery was 
retuned. His mind was by this time easily distracted, and his 
ideas jumped continually from B-sharp to C-natural. It was 
only a question of days when something would achieve the 
final catastrophe and his mind would go to pieces in an 
orchestral crash. One cannot continue a crescendo indefi- 
nitely. 

The end came soon. The climax of John's insanity 
arrived. He married. 

Mrs. Counterpoint, too, was a musician. It is this in-and-in 
breeding that has produced so many cranks. One night Mary 
G. Counterpoint awoke with a staccato shriek. 

"John," she cried, 
weeping, "you snore 
in G ! I always 
snore in G-sharp. 
Our honeymoon has 
been a mere dis- 
cord ! " 

The end had come. 
The next morning 
John Counterpoint 
awoke perfectly 
sane. But his wife 
was crazy. She had 
begun to be affected 
by the cacophony of 
nature. 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE KISSES OF THE PRINCESS PITTIPUMS 
The Application Doubtless you '11 Discover. 




ONCE upon a time, when the world was well sprinkled 
with pretty Princesses, as the story books tell, and 
all alike too, according to their accounts, only far 
more insipid, being invariably pronounced blondes without 
brains there was a King who had everything he wished 
excepting a large family. After wearying the gods with his 
supplications for many years, however, his prayers were at 
last granted, and after a decent season he was presented by his 
Queen with an heir to the throne. This daughter, for it was 
unfortunately a girl, was she who afterwards became known as 
the beautiful but exceedingly dangerous Princess Pittipums. 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



To Wit: that even Fate Herself Succumbs 
To Impudence and Ardour in a Lover. 




Her lot, as foretold by the Faculty of Royal Soothsayers, 
Astrologers, and Magicians convened upon the night of her 
birth, was a singularly unfortunate one. According to their 
predictions she would never in the whole course of her life 
receive more than six kisses; and moreover, as if this were 
not bad enough luck, it was prophesied that every alternate 
person who kissed her would immediately die upon accomplish- 
ing the embrace. 

When the King was warned of his daughter's bizarre 
career, he remarked to his Master of the Horse, that although 
this enforced prudery would no doubt take a load of responsi- 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

bility from his shoulders, yet he was sorry for the Princess, 
who was likely to have a rather stupid time of it for a while; 
for, though six kisses might be considered a superfluity for a 
modern maid in these supercivilized days, it was accounted 
but scant measure in the olden time when there were more 
good-looking men about and those not afraid of committing 
themselves, either. 

It was necessary, however, to defend the safety of his Court, 
as well as to prevent any of the precious caresses being 




wasted ; and the King, therefore, caused a proclamation to be 
issued, forbidding any one upon pain of death to kiss the Prin- 
cess. Affiches were accordingly placarded upon all the walls 
of the Palace announcing the inhibition. 

Unfortunately this notice was published too late. Before 
the paste was dry on the posters, the Princess Pittipums had 
been kissed. 

It was the Head Nurse's sister who had ravished the first 
sixth of the Princess's little fortune. Having recently lost her 
own child, she was waiting in a chamber adjoining the Royal 
Nursery when the Head Nurse brought in the new-born babe. 
Now, even puppies of one litter are distinguishable one from 
the other by spots and colours, but one might lay a dozen 
babies in a row and be unable to tell them apart. This infant 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



was so like the little child who had died a week ago ! It was 
so small, so pink ! It, too, weighed just an hundred ounces ! 
The bereaved mother could not restrain herself as her mater- 
nal affection welled up ; she caught the wee bundle of Royalty, 
all silk and lace, from her sister's arms, fondled the mite and 
pressed the tiny lips of the Princess to her own. 

Thus was taken 
the First Kiss of 
the Princess. 

Now, though 
indulgent Nature 
might forgive her 
for that agonized 
embrace, the King 
was not likely to 
pardon what had 
been so expressly 
prohibited. The 
Head Nurse, there- 
fore, said nothing 
about the occur- 
rence, and after a few necessary preliminaries, escorted the 
child to her distinguished but impatient sire. 

The King, though somewhat surprised at the size, shape, 
colour, and general appearance of his offspring, considered the 
Queen's effort, upon the whole, creditable ; and he could hardly 
resist the desire to take from the little Pittipums her first kiss. 
Reflecting, however, upon the need of strict economy in the 
disposal of the favours of the princess, he subdued his royal 
impulse, and bore the child with pompous pride to his 
spouse. 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



The Queen was not doing quite so well as might be expected. 
She was, in fact, desperately ill. But the joyful sight of the 
infant aroused her, and she made a sign that her daughter 
should be held to her, that she might implant a kiss upon the 
little lips. For a moment the King again hesitated, but think- 
ing that, after all, the child must be kissed some time if she were 

=7 ever to collect the few 
caresses that were her 
meagre birthright, and 
that the Queen undoubt- 
edly had the best right 
to the first, he stooped and 
held the child towards 
its mother. The Queen 
caressed her daughter 
with tenderness, and 
then, as she had taken the 
second and not the first 
kiss, immediately expired 
in great agony.. 

The King was im- 
mensely angry, not to say 
shocked. He caused everybody's head to be cut off for miles 
around. As if that would do any good ! With this terrible 
vengeance as a warning to the more affectionate members of 
his Court, and with two kisses now debited to the Princess's 
affection account, Pittipums was brought up with rigorous care 
to prevent further losses to her unique dower. There must 
be no leakage. A royal Censor was appointed to expurgate 
the very word " kiss " from her nursery books and magazines, 
and the most horrible punishment was promised any one daring 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

to instruct her in the nature of osculation or amatory embrace 
of any kind. 

From time to time vague rumours reached the ears of the 
Princess as to some peculiar curse that had been laid upon 
her, but for a long while she was ignorant of the precise nature 
of her misfortune. She felt, at most, nothing keener than a 
gentle melancholy or loneliness. Life was, she thought, very 
stupid; she hardly knew why. She knew that she was not 
like other girls, but she fancied it was because she was a Prin- 
cess; though, as I said, there were Princesses enough in those 
exciting days. 

When Pittipums reached the interesting age of seventeen 
years, the King, who now felt the shadow of death falling 
upon him, sent for his daughter, and she came obediently to 
his presence. As she knelt by his side, he told her plainly the 
true story of her life, and the terrible doom that was hers, 
But now, as he felt the time was near at hand when he must 
be gathered to his fathers, he begged of her, as a dying request, 
that she should give him her third kiss, that he might not go 
down to the grave without ever having embraced his only 
child. 

When the Princess realized the full extent of her poverty, 
she burst into tears and refused to be comforted. She turned 
her head away from her father in great distress of mind, with- 
out offering him the salute he had requested. It was evident 
that she was the victim of mixed emotions. 

" Oh, Sire ! " she cried at last, " bitter is my lot, and hard 
my fate, that I may not grant you even the single kiss that is 
your paternal due ! Would to God I had known the condi- 
tion of my misery ere this ; for now I dare not embrace you 
as my filial love prompts me. I must confess, now, that a 

&00 2O5 C03 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



twelvemonth ago, during the visit of the young Prince 
Ardent to your Court, he discovered me one day alone in the 
Green Chamber, where I was reading in an old book. There 
was such a queer word there! and this I showed the Prince 
that he might make known to me its meaning. It was then 
he exemplified the nature of the kiss, and to me it seemed 

very pleasing. And I 
marvelled that, this being 
so, he would not explain 
the mystery again, but 
he refused. Alas, now 
I comprehend, too late, 
that the Prince had heard 
of the ancient prophecy 
and was a craven ! And 
so, that being my third 
kiss, I may not give you 
the fourth lest you die, 
and therefore my woe is 
great because of my in- 
nocent indiscretion ! " 
But, as the King's feet were already cold, and he began to 
feel the pangs of approaching dissolution, it mattered little to 
him whether he died at the lips of the Princess or by reason 
of his malady. So he pressed her to his breast, drank the 
patricidal kiss and died in her arms out of hand. 

Pittipums was now crowned Queen and reigned in her 
father's stead, well filling his throne and supporting the glory 
of the State. She was admired and beloved by all her sub- 
jects, although she was somewhat feared by some of the more 
susceptible nobles of the realm, seeing that she was exceeding 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



fair and charming, and they knew not when the exigencies of 
State might require them to be closeted with her alone, in 
which case the risk of death would be very great. As the tale 
of her fatal kisses spread abroad, fewer and fewer of the sur- 
rounding Princes came to sue for her hand ; for though she 
reigned in her own right over a large and rich Kingdom, a dot 
of only two kisses, and the last 
fatal at that, seemed too small a 
marriage portion for even the most 
amorous of her admirers. 

She became, then, gradually 
more resigned to her lot, observ- 
ing the mean qual- 
ity of knighthood 
then errant, and, 
in order to amuse 
herself without 
ceremony in the 
intervals between 
the cares of her 
position, she took 
to wandering abroad in the streets of her capital, incognito, 
disguised as a Sister of Charity. It was during one of these 
excursions that she met one morning in a little by-street a 
child who had fallen and was crying alone by the corner of 
the wall. The Queen approached the boy, and, taking him 
in her arms, comforted his misery and dried his tears. 
When he had ceased sobbing, the child, grateful for this 
strange beautiful lady's sympathy, put his small arms about her 
neck, and, before she could hinder him, pressed a kiss upon 
her lips. 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



Thus was taken the Fifth Kiss of Queen Pittipums. 
The Queen had now but one kiss left, and it seemed likely 
that it might be hard to collect this remaining portion of her 
fortune. She resolved to put it to the test, nevertheless, and 
considering that, in a way, she had been cheated out of the 
most of her rightful delights, she was determined that this kiss, 

at least, should be neither 
thrown away, stolen, nor 
sacrificed to the obliga- 
tion of duty. She would 
gain a kiss worth hav- 
ing. So she let it be 
proclaimed by heralds 
that, on a certain day, 
she would assemble the 
suitors for her hand and 
select her consort, and 
that considerations neithei 
of birth, breeding, culture, 
wealth, health, beauty, 
or wisdom should hinder 
her from marrying the husband of her choice. 

At the appointed time there gathered in the great hall of the 
Palace an immense crowd, men of all cut, costume, and condi- 
tion. There were princes and dukes, knights of royal Orders 
and gentlemen of all degree, merchants from over seas, tinkers, 
tailors, and ambitious tradesmen with their apprentices appar- 
elled in their poor best, meagre-minded serving-men, and a half 
an hundred scullions, swineherds, and what-not, who had never 
even seen the inside of a castle before. 

Before this motley retinue the Queen appeared in her royal 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

robes and full regalia, wearing a bridal wreath with orange 
blossoms in her hair, and, standing upon the dais she said : 

" My lords and gentlemen all, 1 bid you welcome ! I am, 
as you see, clad for my wedding, and so soon as the groom 
shall have been chosen, the ceremony shall immediately be 
performed. As I am anxious to lose no time withal, I shall 
announce forthwith the conditions which my future husband 
and sharer of my throne must fulfil. You are doubtless 
all already aware of my luckless lot, but I will repeat that, 
at my birth, it was predicted that I should never in my life 
receive but six kisses, and that every alternate person who 
kissed me would immediately perish. Already my royal 
mother, the giver of the second, and the late King, my father, 
who took the fourth kiss, have expired to pay the forfeit 
demanded by Fate and attest the truth of the prophecy. Last 
month a little child of the city robbed me innocently of my 
fifth caress, and only one, therefore, remains. Whoever kisses 
next must surely die ! Yet, as I would not marry one 
who does not truly love me, and as any one who is really in 
love would willingly give his life for even one kiss from his 
mistress, I now declare that I will espouse him amongst 
you, and him only, who dares prove his devotion by claiming 
the sixth kiss, willingly and joyfully giving up his life for the 
rapture of embracing his Queen. If there be such a man, 
and such a lover amongst you, let him now stand forth and 
claim this sweet and deadly favour ! " 

There was a murmur from the crowd of suitors, and, after 
some suppressed discussion, a general movement towards the 
door. There were other ladies, it seemed, who, though they 
offered a less distinguished fortune to their accepted husbands, 
yet allowed more leisure in which might be dissipated the 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



treasures that they could give. So thinking, the gathering dis- 
persed, leaving a single wooer alone in the hall with the 
Queen. 

This was a youth of low birth and meanly clad, a swine- 
herd in sooth, but with a debonair bearing withal, that testified 
to his assurance. On his lip was a slip of a mustache which 
he curled vainly; on his lip too, was a smile such as many a 
man has had his face slapped for, though indeed, it well 
became his boldness. He closed the door with a mocking 
formality upon the heels of the last departing recreant ; then 
he smiled impertinently, advanced with a cavalier swagger, 
his elbows thrust out, and, stooping, saluted the Queen's 
hand ; for, in those days it was well understood as a rule of 
the game that such courtesies did not count as kisses. 

u Your Majesty, let the nupitals be announced ! " he said, 
with impudent nonchalance. 

" I beg your pardon ? " said Pittipums. 

u Let the nu-pi-tals be announced ! " he repeated. " Don't 
you know what that means ? " 

" Oh I see nuptials," the Queen said, with a royal 
smile. And she made a sign, calling a page. 

As soon as the stripling had been bathed, perfumed, robed 
as befitting his new rank, invested with the Order of Knight- 
hood, and raised to the Higher Peerage, a fanfare of trumpets 
assembled the whole Court in the Chapel, where the marriage 
ceremony was performed with the full assent of Law and 
Clergy. Every one marvelled at the sublime ardour and cour- 
age of this swineherd, now a Royal Prince Consort. Each 
observer wondered of his neighbor what kind of bargain 
behind the closed doors the bridegroom had made with the 
Queen. Here, however, they did him an injustice, for he was 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



as bold as a whip, though the heart of Pittipums had begun to 
misgive her. 

So at last, when the two were alone she said to him, 
" My Lord, though I made the sixth kiss a condition of our 
marriage in all good faith, and to test your love and devo- 
tion, now that I have proved you, and found you a lover none 
too languid for my desire, my heart relents, and I would not 
hold you to the ordeal. If you kiss me, you die ; if you die, 
you cannot kiss me ; therefore I am like to live kissless what- 
ever happens. I must have a live husband who may not kiss, 
or a dead one who cannot. What say you, then, Prince, 
shall we live coldly, or die with fervour ? " 

Then said he that had been a swineherd to her, with 
his hand on the hilt of a brand-new sword he was a whit 
proud of, u Madam, when I bargained for your hand, it was 
with no thought of paying less than your price ; and as for my 
love, it is not yet proven. I would be a laggard lover if I 
dared not or cared not die for a kiss from your lips. So the 
kiss I must have, since it was for that I married you. Now 
though you know but little of such things, having had but 
five kisses in all, and these but cool and overchaste, you are 
no worse for that ; and what a kiss should be that will I teach 
you, who am myself better qualified by experience. So now 
I choose to kiss you, as any true lover would, not to speak of 
a husband with which title you have honoured me. But I 
pray you do not interrupt me with your tears, nor push me 
away, as young girls sometimes do, at their first donation." 

So saying, and his black eyes said far more at the same 
time, the youth took her in the fold of his arms, and kissed 
her long and passionately, so that it seemed to her that she 
was being drawn up into Heaven on the wings of doves, sur- 

000 21 I coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



rounded by a thousand bright angels floating with her through 
the upper reaches of the sky. But though for a while she 
forgot her fears in the excess of love's ecstasy, at last she 
remembered that this must be the last time she could enjoy 
such delirious rapture on the lips of her lover and, breaking 
into sobs, she threw herself from his arms. 

For a long time she 
dared not peep through 
her fingers, fearing to see 
the Prince lying dead 
before her, but when she 
at last gazed at him, he 
was standing at her side, 
grinning audaciously and 
adjusting his lace collar 
which had become slightly 
disarranged during the 
operation. 

" Oh, my Lord," cried 
the Queen, " what great 
joy is this, and by what 
miracle does it come to 
pass that you are not dead at my feet as the soothsayers prophe- 
sied ? Behold, you have taken the Sixth Kiss and you still live ! " 
Then her husband tossed half a smile at her as he took her 
hand, and said, " Pardon me, my Queen, but because of your 
weeping I was interrupted prematurely, and the kiss is not yet 
finished. Now you are more calm, I shall continue, and I 
beseech you to be more careful!" 

But, for one reason or another, it so happened that the Sixth 
Kiss of Queen Pittipums was never satisfactorily completed, 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE POET AND THE PRINCESS: How the 

Rest did 
Not Find Impossibilities he Quested. 

ONCE upon a time, I have her word for it, there lived 
a Princess, in the northeastern corner of a News- 
paper Office, in a little room, all her own. She 
was the Literary Editor, and her desk was always four stories 
high with books with uncut pages ; the window ledge was 
tipsy with weekly papers, 
while all the floor round 
about her little twirling 
throne was strewn with 
reviews and magazines 
like the chips beside a 
woodpile. 

She was the pride and 
the pet and the brag and 
the boast of the Sunday 
Editor, and because she 
could furnish ideas and 
comments and jokes and 
paragraphs for the edi- 
torial page, she could do 
what she would with the 

Great White Chief, and she held his Managerial conscience 
in her left hand. 

She was well known to have once praised a book, and to 
have read at least two, but she usually spent most of her time 
upon the Tables of Contents. She had never had time to 

coo 21 3 coo 




r 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



contribute to the magazines, but she thought she could, if 

she wished. 

She wrote on very wonderful violet note paper with red ink 

stamped with her royal crest, and her " copy " always went in 

just as she wrote it, which proves that she was indeed a 

Princess, as I said. 

Many authors courted her 
praise, and rising young writers 
promised her fabulous rewards 
for even a single mention of 
their names in the columns of 
the u Evening Sunset," but she 
was inaccessible. She scorched 
them with blithering critiques, 
signing her name in full, Hen- 
rietta Northampton Byxbee, as 
becomes a literary woman of 
the last quarter of the nine- 
teenth century. Nobody dared 
start in to read a book till H. 
N. B. said "Go!" and the 
publishers' advertisements fell 
off seventy-five per cent. 
At this blow to the business 

office, the Managing Editor came to her with tears in his 

eyes and told her she must marry him or review a book 

favourably. 

Annoyed at his persistence and the ever-increasing number 

of Manuscript makers, the Princess declared that she would 

give a free complimentary notice to the author who should 

procure for her the three following things : 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



1. A bottle of ink that would write black and stay black. 

2. A pen that would write without scratching and never 
wear out. 

3. A blotter that would absorb ink without smooching. 
Had she asked for a philosopher's stone or a perpetual motion 

machine, she feared her privacy 
and repose would have been en- 
dangered ; but as it was, for a 
whole year she was let alone, 
and was free from the importuni- 
ties of the scribblers. At the end 
of that time boxes began to be 
brought in by the office boy and 
before long her desk, window 
ledge, chairs, tables, bookcases, 
and seven eighths of the floor 
space were all covered with pack- 
ages of pens, inks, and blotting 
pads, and her whole time was 
spent in opening cases. 

None of the materials filled 
the conditions, of course, as the 
articles called for were impossible to manufacture. 

But, at last, after many months, a young poet came, like 
Lochinvar, out of the West, with the manuscript of a little 
book in his suitcase, and he went up and down amongst the 
publishers of the town, searching for some one to accept his 
poems. Everywhere he was received with contumely and 
thrown down with frightful violence, till at last, one, kinder 
than the rest, said : 

cc If you can succeed in getting the Princess Byxbee to 
c-crc 21 5 <*?o 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



mention your name in her paper, I will gladly publish your 
book but that, of course, is impossible ! " 

The next day Lochinvar spent in bed while his trousers were 
being mended, and as he lay there he pondered the problem. 

Then he went to a stationer's and bought, on credit, a 
box of cheap steel pens, a five-cent bottle of ink, and had, 

thrown in, an advertising blotter 
of the Something Insurance Com- 
pany of Somewhere. Assets 

$ 1,000,000,000,000,000.00. 

So he went up to the Office of 
the " Evening Sunset." 

At the door he was met by a 
supercilious office boy, who de- 
manded his name, age, residence, 
complexion, profession, size of col- 
lar, and many other things, which 
he wrote on a card. While he 
was engaged with these statistics, 
Lochinvar brushed the imp aside, 
and strode through the local rooms, 
past the wondering reporters, the 
City, Sporting, Humorous, Tele- 
graph, and Night editors, aghast at their desks, and entered 
the room of the Princess, as one on horseback. 

Her Royal Highness looked up with a smile ; not for years 
had she met one so bold and so adequate. " Where are your 
credentials ? " said this pink Princess, and " Here they are ! " 
said Lochinvar. 

He opened the phial of writing fluid with a deal of manner. 
He fitted a nib to her ivory penholder theatrically, and very 
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



carefully and tenderly he laid the blotter beside her violet 
copy paper stamped with the Royal crest. 

" Write what I tell you ! " he exploded, striking an 
attitude. 

The obedient Princess, absorbed in the poem he dictated, 
which was, in reality, a proposal of marriage couched in the 
metres of the most delicious nonsense verse ever conceived, did 




ca 



not notice that the ink was a pale dirty blue which hardly showed 
on the surface of her very purple copy paper. And, glancing 
up, she received full in the eyes a wonderful smile that blinded 
her to the fearful and hideous spluttering of the cheap steel 
pen of commerce, and when the four magic lines were written 
she was so captivated with the precocity of their humour, and 
so intent in wondering if the poet were going to kiss her or 
not, that she entirely forgot to use the blotter till the ink was 
quite dry. 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

No one had ever made love to her before, without being 
terribly in earnest about it. This was different. But she did 
not have long to wonder about the kiss. 

The next day Lochinvar' s name was mentioned six times in 
the " Literary Chat " and eighteen times in the little paragraphs 
on the editorial page of the "Sunset," so that every Jack 




reporter, believing that the end of the world had come, the 
eye of authority being closed, went off and became intoxicated 
at the miracle. 

Fourteen several publishers telegraphed Lochinvar for the 
American rights to the book, and when it appeared, it was 
reviewed flatteringly every day for two weeks in the literary 
pages of the " Sunset " by Mrs. Leander Lochinvar, ex- 
princess. The End. 

000 21 8 c-oo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



ABSTEMIA : In Mystic Argot, 
Often Confounded with Farrago. 



IF aught that stumbles in my speech 
Or stutters in my pen, 
Or, claiming tribute, each to each, 
Rise, not to fall again, 
Let something lowlier far, for me, 
Through evanescent shades 
Than which my spirit might not be 

Nourished in fitful ecstasy 
Not less to know but more to see 
Where that great Bliss pervades 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE MUSEUM OF KISSES: Surely 
No One could Visit it Demurely. 

THIS is the place I M like to burglarize ; 
It is the Royal Museum of Kisses. 
It has an Annual Show, and gives a Prize 
To all the most deserving men and misses. 

And ranged in various rows about the wall 
Are kisses, all deserving great attention ; 

But in one room, the sweetest, best of all, 

Are those of one whose name I dare not mention ! 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 

ABSTROSOPHY: by which is Meant 
A Theme of Nonsendental Bent. 

IF echoes from the fitful past 
Could rise to mental view, 
Would all their fancied radiance last 
Or would some odours from the blast, 
Untouched by Time, accrue ? 

Is present pain a future bliss, 

Or is it something worse ? 
For instance, take a case like this : 
Is fancied kick a real kiss, 

Or rather the reverse ? 



Is plentitude of passion palled 

By poverty of scorn ? 

Does Fiction mend where Fact has mauled ? 
Has Death its wisest victims called 

When idiots are born ? 




THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



ROPE'S STULTITUDE: 

A Cheerful Lay ; 

At Least, / Like it, Anyway ! 




THE dismal day with 
dreary pace hath 
dragged its tortuous 
length along the grave- 
stones black and funeral 
vase cast horrid shadows 
long. 

Oh let me die and never 
mourn upon the joys of 
long ago with cankering 
thoughts the world 's forlorn 
a wilderness of woe ! 

For in the grave's dark bed 
to be though grim and dis- 
mal it appears is sadder not 
it seems to me than har- 
rowing nights of tears ! 





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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



PSYCHOLOPHON: Supposed to Be 
Translated from the Old Parsee. 



TWINE then the rays 
Round her soft Theban 
tissues ! 
All will be as She says, 

When that dead Past reissues. 
Matters not what nor where, 

Hark, to the moon's dim cluster ! 
How was her heavy hair 

Lithe as a feather duster ! 
Matters not when nor whence ; 

Flittertigibbet ! 

Sounds make the song, not sense, 
Thus I inhibit ! 





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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 

THE KNAVE OF HEARTS: If Euchred, List 
To my Advice, t' would Help you. Whist ! 

THIS is the Knave of Hearts, beware ! 
Oh, trusting maidens, have a care ! 
There 's not a Trick he will not do 
To capture such a one as you ! 

Full many a Queen he 's 

made to blush, 
For he enjoys a Royal 

Flush. 
But he will Bluff, and 

he '11 revoke her. 
He is a most capricious 

Joker. 
For Jack is nimble, Jack 

is cute 

Be careful how you Fol- 
low Suit ! 
Trump though he is, 

please understand, 
You must not let him 

Hold your Hand. 
Oh, trust him not, until 

the hour 
You 're certain he is 

your Right Bower! 




Then do not Cut him let him Lead ; 
He '11 give you a good Deal, indeed ! 



224 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



THE PURPIL COWE: Perilla Says she Wrote it. 
The Last Four lines are Mine, and So I Quote it 




AMAYDE there was, femely and meke enow, 
She fate a-milken of a purpil Cowe : 
Rofy hire Cheke as in the Month of Maye, 
And fikerly her merry Songe was gay 
As of the Larke vprift, wafhen in Dewe ; 
Like Shene of Sterres, fperkled hire Eyen two. 
Now came ther by that Way a hendy Knight 
The Mayde efpien in morwening Light. 
A faire Person he was of Corage trewe 
With lufty Berd and Chekes of rody Hewe : 
Dere Ladye (quod he) far and wide I Ve ftraied 
Vncouthe Aventure in ftraunge Contrie made 
Fro Berwicke unto Ware. Parde I vowe 
Erewhiles I never faw a purpil Cowe ! 
Fayn wold I knowe how Catel thus can be? 
Tel me I pray you, of yore Courtefie ! 
The Mayde hire Milken ftent Goode Sir she faide, 
The Master's Mandement on vs ylaid 
Decrees that in thefe yclept gilden Houres 
Hys Kyne shall etc of nought but Vylet Floures ! 
> coo 225 coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 



AN ALPHABET OF FAMOUS GOOPS. 
Which you '11 Regard with Yells and Whoops. 

Futile Acumen ! 

For you Yourselves are Doubtless Dupes 
Of Failings Such as Mar these Groups 

We all are Human! 





ABEDNEGO was Meek and Mild ; he Softly Spoke, 
he Sweetly Smiled. 
He never Called his Playmates Names, and he 
was Good in Running Games ; 

But he was Often in Disgrace because be had a Dirty 
Face ! 

COO 226 <U90 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 





BOHUNKUS would Take Off" his Kat, and Bow and Smile, and 

Things like That. 
His Face and Hair were Always Neat, and when he Played he 

did not Cheat ; 
But Oh f what Awful Words he Said, when it was Time to Go 

to Bed! 





The Gentle CEPHAS tried his Best to Please his Friends with 

Merry Jest ; 
He tried to Help Them, when he Could, for CEPHAS, he was 

Very Good ; 
And Yet They Say he Used to Cry, and Once or Twice he Told 

a Lie ! 

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-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 





DANIEL and DAGO were a Pair who Acted Kindly Every- 
where ; 

They studied Hard, as Good as Gold, they Always did as 
They were Told ; 

They Never Put on Silly Airs, but They Took Things that were 
Not Theirs. 





EZEKIEL, so his Parents said, just Simply Loved to Go to 

Bed; 
He was as Quiet as could Be whenever there were Folks to 

Tea; 
And yet, he had a Little Way of Grumbling, when he should 

Obey. 

vor. 228 c-00 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 





When FESTUS was but Four Years Old his Parents Seldom 

had to Scold ; 
They never Called him " FESTUS DON'T ! " he Never Whined 

and said / Won't ! " 
Yet it was Sad to See him Dine. His Table Manners were Not 

Fine. 





GAMALIEL took Peculiar Pride in Making Others Satisfied. 
One Time I asked him for his Head. " Why, Certainly ! " 

GAMALIEL Said. 
He was Too Generous, in Fact. But Bravery he Wholly 

Lacked. 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 





HAZAEL was (at Least he Said he Was) Exceedingly Well 

Bred; 
Forbidden Sweets he would not Touch, though he might Want 

them very Much. 
But Ob, Imagination Fails to quite Describe his Finger Nails! 





How Interesting ISAAC Seemed ! He never Fibbed, he Sel- 
dom Screamed ; 

His Company was Quite a Treat to all the Children on the 
Street ; 

But Nurse has Told me of his Wrath when he was Made to Take 
a Bath ! 

ctfo 230 coo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK 





Oh, Think of JONAH when you 're Bad ; Think what a 

Happy Way he had 
Of Saying Thank You ! " "If you Please " Excuse 

Me, Sir," and Words like These. 
Still, he was Human, like Us AIL His Muddy Footprints 

Tracked the Hall. 





Just fancy KADESH for a Name ! Yet he was Clever All the 

Same ; 
He knew Arithmetic, at Four, as Well as Boys of Nine or 

More ! 
But I Prefer far Duller Boys, who do Not Make such Awful 

Noise ! 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 





Oh, Laugh at LABAN, if you Will, but he was Brave when he 

was 111. 
When he was 111, he was so Brave he Swallowed All his 

Mother Gave ! 

But Somehow, She could never Tell why he was Worse when he 
was Well! 





If MICAH'S Mother Told him "No " he Made but Little of 

his Woe; 
He Always Answered, " Yes, Pll Try!" for MICAH Thought 

it Wrong to Cry. 
Yet he was Always Asking Questions and Making quite Ill-timed 

Suggestions. 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 





I Fancy NICODEMUS Knew as Much as I, or even You ; 

He was Too Careful, I am Sure, to Scratch or Soil the 

Furniture ; 
He never Squirmed, he never Squalled ; he Never Came when 

he was Called ! 





Some think that OBADIAH'S Charm was that he Never Tried 

to Harm 
Dumb Animals in any Way, though Some are Cruel when 

they Play. 
But though he was so Sweet and Kind, his Mother found him 

Slow to Mind. 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 





When PELEG had a Penny Earned, to Share it with his Friends 

he Yearned. 

And if he Bought a Juicy Fig, his Sister's Half was Very Big! 
Had he not Hated to Forgive^ he would have been Too Good to 

Live ! 





When QUARTO'S brother QUARTO Hit, was QUARTO Angry ? 

Not a Bit ! 

He Called the Blow a Little Joke, and so Affectionately Spoke, 
That Everybody Loved the Lad. Yet Oh, What Selfish Ways 

he Had! 

v& 234 ooo 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 





Was REUBEN Happy ? I should Say ! He laughed and Sang 
the Livelong Day. 

He Made his Mother Smile with Joy to See her Sunny- 
Tempered Boy. 

However, she was Not so Gay when REUB Refused to Stop his 
Play! 





When SHADRACH Cared to be Polite, they Called him Gentle- 
manly, Quite ; 

His Manners were Correct and Nice; he Never Asked for 
Jelly Twice ! 

Still, when he Tried to Misbehave, O, how Much Trouble SHAD- 
RACH Gave ! 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 





Don't Think that TIMOTHY was 111 because he Sometimes 

Kept so Still. 
He knew his Mother Did Not Care to Hear him Talking 

Everywhere. 
He did not Tease, he did Not Cry, but he was Always Asking 

"WHY?" 





URIAH Never Licked his Knife, nor Sucked his Fingers, in 

his Life. 
He Never Reached, to Help Himself, the Sugar Bowl upon 

the Shelf. 
He Never Popped his Cherry Pits ; but he had Horrid Sulky 

Fits! 

^236^ 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 





To See young Vivius at his Work, you Knew he 'd Never 

Try to Shirk. 
The Most Unpleasant Things he 'd Do, if but his Mother 

Asked him To. 
But when young Vivius Grew Big, it Seems be was a Norful 

Prig! 





Why WABAN always Seemed so Sweet, was that he Kept so 

Clean and Neat. 
He never Smooched his Face with Coal, his Picture Books 

were Fresh and Whole. 
He washed His Hands Ten Times a Day; but, Oh, what 

Horrid Words he 'd Say ! 

G0Q 237 C09 



THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 





What shall 1 say of XENOGOR, Save that he Always Shut the 

Door! 
He always Put his Toys Away when he had Finished with his 

Play. 
But here his List of Virtues Ends. A Tattle- Tale does not Make 

Friends. 





YERO was Noted for the Way with which he Helped his 

Comrades Play ; 
He 'd Lend his Cart, he 'd Lend his Ball, his Marbles, and 

his Tops and All ! 
And Yet (I Doubt if you II Believe)^ be Wiped bis Nose upon his 

Sleeve ! 

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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- 





The Zealous ZIBEON was Such as Casual Callers Flatter 

Much. 
His Maiden Aunts would Say, with Glee, u How Good, how 

Pure, how Dear is He ! " 
And Yet, he Drove his Mother Crazy he was so Slow, he was 

so Lazy ! 



FINIS 



SO ENDS THE TOME: ARE YOU, MY FRIEND, 
AS GLAD AS I TO SEE THE END ? 
HAVE YOU DONNED MOTLEY FOR THE MONEY 
AND FEARED YOUR JESTS WERE NONE TOO FUNNY: 
SO ENDS THE TOME: SO ENDS MY FOLLY; 
'TIS DISMAL WORK, THIS BEING JOLLY. 
NO MORE I'LL PLAY THE HARLEQUIN 
UNLESS MORE ROYALTIES COME IN. 
coo 239 <x?o